Several years ago, Baltimore Zoo decided to encamp colonies of tiny Green Monkeys and large Drill Baboons together on an island, the theory being that the primates would stay put because neither could swim. But the morning after the exhibit opened, zoo officials found little Green Monkeys off the island and wandering around the zoo. The next two mornings, it was the same thing. Finally a vigilant keeper discovered the problem stemmed less from cage design than monkey manners. The baboons, unwilling to share food, were grabbing the Green Monkeys by their tails and hurling them like Olympic hammer throwers off the island during suppertime. The monkeys were no worse for their daily shuttle, b

"What shall we play today?" Cori asked her best friend Judy. "Let's play 'school'!" said Judy. "Okay," said Cori, "But I'm going to be absent."

A new doctor had arrived in town. He could cure anything and anybody. Everyone was amazed with what he could do - everyone except for Mr. Thompson, the town skeptic. Grumpy old Mr. Thompson went to visit this 'miracle doctor' to prove that he wasn't anybody special. When it was time for his appointment he told the doctor, "Hey, doc, I've lost my sense of taste. I can't taste nothin', so what are ya goin' to do?" The doctor scratched his head and mumbled to himself a little, then told Mr. Thompson, "What you need is jar number 47." So the doctor brought the jar out, opened it, and told Mr. Thompson to taste it. He tasted it and immediately spit it out, "This is gross!" he yelled. "Looks

Bob was driving home over the Golden Gate Bridge after spending a great day out on the ocean fishing. His catch, cleaned and filleted, was wrapped in newspaper on the passenger side floor. He was late getting home and was speeding. Wouldn't you know it, a cop jumped out, radar gun in hand, motioned him to the side of the bridge. Bob pulled over like a good citizen. The cop walked up to the window and said, "You know how fast you were going, BOY?" Bob thought for a second and said, "Uhh, 35?" "SIXTY-SEVEN mph, son! 67 mph in a 55 zone!" said the cop. "But if you already knew, officer," replied Bob, "Why did you ask me?" Fuming over Bob's answer, the officer growled, in his normal sarcastic fa

The Pope, Billy Graham and Oral Roberts were in a fatal three-way car crash and all went to Heaven together. "Oh, this is awful," exclaimed St. Peter. "I know you must think we summoned you here, but this is just one of those strange coincidences that happen. We weren't expecting you, so your quarters aren't ready. We can't send you back and we can't take you in." Suddenly, St. Peter got an idea. He picked up the phone and called Lucifer. "Lucifer," he said, "this is Peter. We have a bit of a problem. We have three guys up here. They are ours, but we weren't expecting them so we need some time to fix up their quarters. I was hoping you could put them up for a while. It should only take us a

A lawyer was reading a wealthy man's will to the people mentioned in it. "To my wife Claire, who stood by me through the rough times as well as the good, I leave you the house, the cars and $5 million." The lawyer continued, "To my daughter Sarah, who took care of me during my illness and kept my company going, I leave you the yacht, the business and $2 million." The lawyer concluded, "And, to my cousin Phil, who always hated me, argued with me, was envious of me, and thought I would never mention him in my will ... well, you're wrong. 'Hi, Phil!'"

While his mother was having a consultation with the doctor, Little Johnny could be heard terrorizing the people in the waiting room, yet she made no attempt to restrain him. A few minutes later, they heard some clattering in an adjoining room, but still she did nothing. Finally, after an extra-loud crash, she casually said to the doctor, "I hope you don't mind Little Johnny playing in there." "No, not at all," the doctor replied calmly. "I'm sure he'll calm down as soon as he finds the poison."

Marriage "Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is: is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?" - Rita Rudner

When the husband arrived home, his wife met him at the door sobbing. He asked her what was wrong. "It's the pharmacist," she wailed. "He insulted me something awful on the phone this morning." Hearing this, the husband immediately headed downtown to confront the pharmacist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the pharmacist cut him off and said, "Please, just listen to my side of it." "This morning my alarm didn't go off," the pharmacist began to explain, "so I was late getting up. Going without breakfast, I rushed out to my car only to realize I had locked the house with both my house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Then, drivi

You might be a redneck if . . . you have been married three times and you still have the same in-laws, You think TACO BELL is a Mexican Phone Company, Your house still has the "WIDE LOAD" sign on the back, You think Possum is "The Other White Meat", You hooked up with your present girlfriend as a result of a message on the wall of the mens' room at the Flying J Truck Stop.

...you have every episode of Hee-Haw on tape.

"This house," said the real estate salesman, "has both its good points and its bad points. To show you I'm honest, I'm going to tell you about both. "The disadvantage is that there is a chemical plant one block south and a slaughterhouse a block north." "What is the advantage?" inquired the prospective buyer. "The advantage is that you can always tell which way the wind is blowing."