A man walks out of a bar totally hammered, only to be greeted by a snobby woman. She takes one look at him. "You, sir, are drunk!" "And you ma'am, are ugly. But when I wake up, I will be sober!"

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."

Why did the chicken cross the playground? To get to the other slide!

1. Happy Anniversery! 2.You're wearing THAT to the party!!?? 3.Do I look fat in this? 4.You didn't know it was my birthday today!? 5.Oh my god! Can't we just be friends! 6.Listen honey we have to talk... I think, I'm pregnant. 7.Here's 100 dollars! 8.Hey! Is it okay if some of my friends come over to watch football and we go crazy when our team loses. 9.Sweetie can we not do it tonight? 10.Honey I'm home! How have you been today?!

A man walks up to a bartender one night and asked for a beer. "Certainly, sir. That'd be one cent." The guy was surprised at the incredible price. The guy, unable to believe such prices, looked up the menu and ordered a nice juicy T-bone steak with chips, peas and a fried egg. "Certainly, sir. That'd be five cents including the beer." The guy couldn't trust the bartender no more and called for the manager. "The manager's upstairs with my wife." The guy curiously asked why he was with his wife. "He do my business, I'll do his."

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

The old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the Cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail a few feet in front of the sheriff. "Howdy, stranger..." "Howdy, Sheriff..." The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss were the sun don't shine. He dropped the horse's tail, stepped up on the walk, and aimed toward the swinging doors of the saloon. "Hold on, Mister..." "Sheriff?" "Did I just see what I think I just saw?" "Reckon you did, Sheriff...I got me some powerful chapped lips..." "And that cures them?" "Nope, but it sure keeps me from li

A man had been driving all night and by morning was still far from his destination. He decided to stop at the next city he came to and park somewhere quiet so he could get an hour or two of sleep. As luck would have it, the quiet street he chose happened to be one of the city's most popular jogging routes. No sooner had he settled back to snooze when there came a knocking on his window. He looked out and saw a jogger running in place. "Yes?" "Excuse me, sir," the jogger said, "do you have the time?" The man looked at the car clock and answered, "7:15." The jogger said thanks and left. The man settled back again, and was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window and another

The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

So Many Men, So Few Who Can Afford Me. God Made Us Sisters, Prozac Made Us Friends. My Mother Is A Travel Agent For Guilt Trips. Princess, Having Had Sufficient Experience With Princes, Seeks Frog. Coffee, Chocolate, Men ... Some Things Are Just Better Rich. Don't Treat Me Any Differently Than You Would The Queen Warning: I Have An Attitude And I Know How To Use It. Of Course I Don't Look Busy...I Did It Right The First Time. Do Not Start With Me. You Will Not Win. Sorry If I Looked Interested. I'm Not. If You Want Breakfast In Bed, Sleep In The Kitchen.

There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their ass. I thought the results were pretty interesting: 85% of women think their ass is too big... 10% of women think their ass is too little... The other 5% say that they don't care -- they love him and would have married him anyway.