Popular Jokes
A bear was bought from a Russian circus by a tourist agent after he was asked to provide an American visitor with a "wild bear hunt". The tourist was taken to the Perdelkino Forest near Moscow and when all was ready, the bear was released. As the hunter closed in on his prey, a postman passed by on his bike, saw the bear, and tumbled off in surprise. Recalling his Big Top training, the bear grabbed the bike and pedalled off, leaving the American to sue for fraud.
A farmer was driving along the road with a load of fertilizer. A little boy, playing in front of his house, saw him and called, "What've you got in your truck?"
"Fertilizer," the farmer replied.
"What are you going to do with it?" asked the little boy.
"Put it on strawberries," answered the farmer.
"You ought to live here," the little boy advised him. "We put sugar and cream on ours."
A man is sitting on a bench in the park reading a newspaper. Suddenly he throws the paper onto the ground and yells, "All politicians are assholes."
A man sitting next to him in a finely pressed suit says, "I take offense to that!"
The pissed-off guy asks him, "Why? Are you a politician?"
"No," he replies, "I'm an asshole."
A man woke up in the morning to see that the whole house was all messy. Clothes were all over the room. Coffee beans were spilled on the kitchen floor. Even the house was teepeed with toilet paper.
Back in the living room, a note read:
Dear Honey,
I have gone shopping for a little while. Sorry if I left the house a little messy. I don't know when I'll be back.
After reading the note, he calls her.
"Where are the couch, TV, and coffee machine?"
"Uhh, that's a funny story."
She hangs up, and their 23-year old son walks in.
"Austin! Where is my wife?"
"Oh, that. You drank like crazy and fell asleep. When she was pulling you back to bed, you woke up, punched her, spun her around in the
LEASH: A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where you want him/her to go.
DOG BED: any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.
DROOL: Is what you do when your persons have food and you don't. To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and look sad and let the drool fall to the floor, or better yet, on their laps.
SNIFF: A social custom to use when you greet other dogs. Place your nose as close as you can to the other dog's rear end and inhale deeply, repeat several times, or until your person makes you stop.
GARBAGE CAN: A container which your neighbors put out once
A little child about a year old begins to talk. His dad asks him, "What would you like for your first birthday?"
The child answers, "A pink ping pong ball."
"Sure," says the dad.
The kid turns five and again is asked, "So what would you like for your birthday, son?"
"A pink ping pong ball," he says again.
"OK."
Ten years old and is asked for another birthday present, and he answers, "A pink ping pong ball."
"Why do you keep asking for a pink ping pong ball, sport?"
"I'll tell you later, dad," answers the child.
The boy turns into a man, twenty-one years old.
"My boy is finally old enough to drink! What do you want for your birthday?"
The child thinks..."A pink ping pong ball!"
"Why the
A Norwegian applied for a job as a logger deep in the Canadian woods.
The foreman took him into the bush to test his knowledge of logging. He stopped the truck, pointed at a tree, and said, "See that tree over there? Tell me its species and how many board feet of lumber are in it."
The Norwegian immediately replied, "Dat dere's a sitka spruce, eh? And she got 383 board feet of lumber in 'er." The foreman was impressed. He drove a little farther, pointed at another tree, and asked the same question.
"Lord tunderin'. Dat's yer Douglas fir. 690 board feet."
They drove a little farther, and the foreman asked again.
"Yeller cedar. 242 board feet."
The foreman was surprised; this Norwegian is
Two lawyers had been life long friends: they were partners and shared everything, including their hot-blooded secretary.
One day the secretary announced she was pregnant. They told her not to worry and assured her that they would pay all medical costs and would act as co-fathers when the child was born and provide all expenses thereafter.
The day of delivery arrived, and both the lawyers were at the hospital pacing the floor in the waiting room. Finally one of them said, "I can't take this, I'm going down to sit in my car and wait there. Please come down and tell me as soon as the child is born!"
The partner agreed to do that. About an hour later the partner approached the car with a very
Now, my brother ALWAYS daydreams. He just can't help it. He also likes getting me to feel bad.
I just got a new IPod and my brother says whenever I put it in my ears that i have turned into a zombie. When we were out for a bike ride down through the park he wouldn't stay left (We live in the southern hemisphere) and so other people on the track had to move to the right to get past. I screamed out to him to go left when i had my IPod in and he said "What." I said "Left, L-E-F-T. Gosh you can't hear anything when you daydream." And his response was "No you can't hear anything with your IPod in, I know what you said, you said FELT." I wonder who is the one that can't hear?
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