One evening, impressed by a meat entree his wife had prepared, the husband asked, "What did you marinate this in?" The wife dropped her fork and went into a long explanation about how much she loved him and how life wouldn't be the same without him. She must have seen the confused look on her husband's face, because she inquired, "What did you ask me?" When he told her what he'd asked, the wife laughed and said, "I thought you asked me if I would marry you again!" Later, as she was cleaning up the kitchen, the husband called out, "Hey, Hon, WOULD you marry me again?" Without hesitation she replied, "Vinegar and barbecue sauce."

Yo momma's so fat that when she got into an elevator, she exceeded the weight limit. I wonder how many it took to get her in there in the first place?

Three contractors are at a theme park to bid for a job repairing fences – one is from New York, one from Texas and the third from Florida. First to bid is the Florida contractor. He measures up and says, "Well, I reckon we'll do the job for $900. That's $400 for materials, $400 for the men, and $100 for me." Next is the Texan, who measures up and says, "I'll do the job for $700, that's $300 for materials, $300 for my men, and $100 for me." The man from New York doesn't even stand up. He says, "$2700." The park owner, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure the job! How did you arrive at that price?" "Easy," says the New Yorker. "$1000 for you, $1000 for me, and we hire the Texan."

You know you're from Oklahoma if: a tornado warning siren is your signal to go out in the yard and look for a funnel. your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway. you ever had to switch from heat to A/C in the same day. you see people wear bib overalls at funerals. little smokies are something you serve only for "special occasions". you refer to the capital of Oklahoma as "The City". you know cowpies are not made from beef. someone you know has used a football schedule to plan their wedding date. you have know someone who has had one belt buckle bigger than your fist. you aren't surprised to find movie rental, ammunition, and bait all in the sa

One lesbian said to the other, "I'll just be Frank with you," ...and the other said, "Ok, you be Frank today and I'll be Frank tommorrow."

Question: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino? Answer: Elephino (Hell-if-I-know)

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

What is a definition of a " suicide bomber"? Answer: "martyr-dumb"

Unpublished Children's Books You Were an Accident Strangers Have the Best Candy The Little Sissy Who Snitched Some Kittens Can Fly Getting More Chocolate on Your Face Where Would You Like to Be Buried? Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her All Dogs Go to Hell The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer They Say God Did It Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog? Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends? Daddy Drinks Because You Cry Mister Policeman Eats His Service Revolver You Are Different and That's Bad Pop Goes The Hamster, And Other Great Microwave Games The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins,

Joe and Bill are out fishing and sipping beer while discussing football and NASCAR. All of a sudden Joe says, "I think I'm gonna divorce my wife. She hasn't spoken to me in over 6 months." Bill sips his beer and says, "You better think it over, women like that are hard to find."

You might be a redneck if all of your good clothes have come from cases of beer!

A fool and his money are soon partying.