What does NASCAR stand for? Non Athletic Sport Created Around Rednecks

A man stumbles into his house after a night of drinking and is greeted by his very angry wife. "What's the big idea of coming home half drunk?" she yells. "I'm sorry, honey, but I ran out of money," he mutters.

Mistake: to err, to cause an error or make a mess; If a barber makes a mistake, it's a new style... If a driver makes a mistake, it is an accident... If a politician makes a mistake, it is a new law... If a scientist makes a mistake, it is a new invention... If a tailor makes a mistake, it is a new fashion... If a teacher makes a mistake, it is a new theory... If our boss makes a mistake, it is our mistake... If an employee makes a mistake, it is a "MISTAKE."

"Equal" is not always synonymous with "the same." Men and women are created equal; but boys and girls are not born the same. 1. You throw a little girl a ball, and it will hit her in the nose. You throw a little boy a ball, and he will try to catch it. Then it will hit him in the nose. 2. You dress your little girl in her Easter Sunday best, and she'll look just as pretty when you finally make it to church an hour later. You dress a boy in his Easter Sunday best, and he'll somehow find every mud puddle from your home to the church, even if you're driving there. 3. Boys' rooms are usually messy. Girls' rooms are usually messy, except it's a good smelling mess. 4. A baby girl will pick up a s

A doctor in Newfoundland wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant. "Art, I am going hunting tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all my patients." "Yes, sir!" answers Art. The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: "So, Artie, how was your day?" Art told him that he had just of three patients. "The first one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX." "Well done, mate; and the second one?" asks the doctor. "The second one had a headache so I gave him TYLENOL, sir," says Art. "Spot on! You're good at this; and what about the third one?" asks the doctor. "Sir, I was sitting

Harry was in the hospital. He was an old man, and from time to time the young nurse would come in and say in a patronising tone, "And how are we doing this morning?" Well, this is a story of revenge. Harry had received breakfast, and had taken the juice off the tray, putting it on his stand. Now, he had been given a urine bottle to fill - the juice was apple juice; you know where the juice went. The nurse came in, picked up the urine bottle and said, "It seems we are a little cloudy today..." At this, Harry snatched the bottle out of her hand, and drank the contents, saying, "Well, I'll run it through again, maybe I can filter it better this time."

It was a sweltering August day when the Greenberg brothers entered the posh Dearborn, Michigan offices of the notoriously anti-Semitic car-maker, Henry Ford. "Mr. Ford," announced Hyman Greenberg, the eldest of the three, "we have a remarkable invention that will revolutionize the automobile industry." Ford looked skeptical, but their threats to offer it to the competition kept his interest piqued. "We would like to demonstrate it to you in person." After a little cajoling, they brought Mr. Ford outside and asked him to enter a black car that was parked in front of the building. Norman Greenberg, the middle brother, opened the door of the car. "Please step inside Mr. Ford." "What?" shout

What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer? A good lawyer knows the law; a great lawyer knows the judge.

Does it seem strange to you that the Olympics, the oldest and most famous sporting event, is the one televised event that the competitors don't get cash. In fact, if you have ever made any money at all of your sport, you are disqualified. Its like, you win a gold medal and your like "So, what's my reward?" and they're like "this nice shiny medal." "you mean I don't get any money at all?" "no we frown upon that." "so I wasted a week of my life for nothing?" "but you get this shiny medal" "but-" "SHINY!" I tell you that medal would be on e-bay so fast. And did you ever notice how they have a count of what countries have the most medals? The U.S. always wins but then again, we're like 49 countr

A lawyer goes in to the cell where his client is being held. "Okay, I've some bad news, and some good news." "Right, what's the bad news?" "It's DEFINITELY your blood at the scene of the crime." "So what's the good news?" "Your cholesterol is way down!"

You've heard about the new hair salon which opened up right across the street from the old established hair cutters' place, haven't you? They put up a big old sign, "WE GIVE SEVEN DOLLAR HAIR CUTS!" Not to be outdone, the old shop put out their own sign: "WE FIX SEVEN DOLLAR HAIR CUTS"

...you cut the grass and find a Car.