Getting a new girlfriend is like joining the Army. You get a new haircut and new clothes, and all information is given to you on a need-to-know basis.

A sophisticated lady went into an expensive restaurant. Before sitting, she asked her waiter, "Do you serve crabs here, sir?" The waiter replied, "Yes ma'am, we serve anybody in here. Please have a seat."

How many Michael Jacksons does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Answer: One, but 500 children to hold the ladder!

Q: What did baby corn say to mama corn? A: Where's pop corn?

Yo Mama is so fat, when you were born, you came out singin' "It's a small world after all."

Teacher: Larry, name two pronouns. Larry: Who, Me? Teacher: That answer is correct.

One afternoon a blonde walked into a small store. The store was having a special on CD players. She walked up to a CD player, then picked it up, and proceeded to the front counter, where she asked two employees what the price was. The two men looked at each other, and one of them said to the other in an audible whisper, "Don't worry, she's a stupid and dumb blonde. Let's raise the price!" The blonde COULD hear this, but said nothing. The other man nodded to his fellow employee, and said, "Okay, ma'am, the price is $75.00." Amazingly, the blonde agreed, and paid the money, then got her CD player. ***************************************** A couple hours later, the blonde comes in again. Th

Little Jimmy, Little Billy, and Jimmy's father were at an Art Museum. Little Jimmy was looking at a picture of someone in a carriage being pulled by a horse. Little Jimmy brought his father over to look at the picture, and he asked his father, "Daddy, what is this?" His dad replied, "Why, that is a horse-drawn carriage!" Little Jimmy excitedly ran over to Little Billy, brought him back to the picture, and said, "Billy, a horse drew this picture!!"

Billy Bob and Lester were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob told Lester, "Ya know, I reckon I'm about ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your suggestions as to where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Marie got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Marie got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Marie didn't get pregnant again!" Lester asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?" Billy Bob says, "This year, I'm takin' Marie with me..."

The law of drunkenness- You can't fall off the floor.

A road crew is making a giant freeway, when they come across a sign and a lever. The sign reads "pull lever and end world". The workers decide not to pull the lever just in case. One night, a man named Nate is driving home. He does not see the sign, so he gets out of his car, and crosses the road to pull the lever. But, on his way there, he was run over by the car, and was never to be seen again. The moral of the story? Better Nate Than Lever!

10. I admire your strength, I admire your spunk But the thing I like best, is getting you drunk. 9. Our love will never become cold and hollow Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow. 8. I bought this Valentine's card at the store In hopes that, later, you'd be my whore. 7. This feels so good, it feels so right I just wish it wasn't $250 a night. 6. You're a woman of style, you're a woman of class Especially when I'm spanking, your big-round-fat ass. 5. Before I met you, my heart was so famished But now I'm fulfilled. . . SO MAKE ME A SAMICH!!! 4. Through all the things that came to pass Our love has grown. . . but so's your ass. 3. You're a honey. . . and you're a cutie I just wished