Why did the chicken cross the road? There weren't any cars coming!

A young boy called to his mother from the yard, "Mom, would you rather me fall out of a tree and break my arm or just tear a hole in my Sunday slacks?" "Well," she replied, "I guess I'd pray that you just ripped your pants." The kid yells back, "Your prayers have been answered!"

A judge scowled down at a repeat offender before him. "Haven't I seen you in here many times already? And didn't I tell you that I never wanted to see you in here again?" "Yes, Your Honor," the defendant replied. "That's exactly what I told the police officer, but he insisted I come in anyway!"

A man walks into a pub and sits down next to a man with a dog at his feet. "Does your dog bite?" "No." A few minutes later the dog takes a huge chunk out of his leg. "I thought you said your dog didn't bite!" the man says indignantly. "That's not my dog."

Knock-Knock Why are you knocking? I've got a doorbell.

What happened when Ray Johnson fell off the Empire State Building? Now everyone calls him x-ray.

A woman invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to her six- year-old son, Johnny, and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" "I wouldn't know what to say," Little Johnny replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," the mother said. Little Johnny bowed his head and said, "Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

Q: If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... A: Does that mean that one enjoys it?

Are you a Democrat, Republican or Southerner? Here is a little test that will help you decide. The answer can be found by posing the following question: You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you. You are carrying a Glock cal 40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do? ........................................................ Democrat's Answer: Well, that's not enough information to answer th

Lawyers are safe from the threat of automation taking over their professions. No one would build a robot to do nothing.

A lawyer calls his client to tell him about his fee schedule. "Alright," the lawyer says, looking through his papers. "You owe me $1000 down and $417.58 cents each month for the next thirty-six months." "What? That sounds like a car payment schedule," retorted the client. "You're right. It's mine."

She is not a BLEACHED BLONDE - she is PEROXIDE DEPENDENT. She is not a BAD COOK - she is MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE. She does not wear TOO MUCH JEWELRY - she is METALLICALLY OVERBURDENED. She is not CONCEITED - she is INTIMATELY AWARE OF HER BEST QUALITIES. She does not want to be MARRIED - she wants to lock you in DOMESTIC INCARCERATION. She does not GAIN WEIGHT - she is a METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER. She does not TEASE or FLIRT - she engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION. She is not DUMB - she is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY. She is not TOO SKINNY - she is SKELETALLY PROMINENT. She does not HAVE A MUSTACHE - she is IN TOUCH WITH HER MASCULINE SIDE.