The one item you need is always in short supply.

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out, so he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time. When he returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not." God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion." So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time too. When the angel returned he went to God and said, "Yes, it's true, the Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good." God was not pleased, so He decided to E-mail the 5% that were good,

A policeman pulled a blonde over because she was driving the wrong way on a one-way street. Cop: Do you know where you were going? Blonde: No, but wherever it is, it must be bad 'cause all the people are leaving.

The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear. "Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded. "Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any." The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's £30. Go and buy yourself some underwear." Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she is wearing no undies. "Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?" She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me." He reac

Yo momma is so fat when she sees a school bus go by, she says "STOP THAT TWINKY!!"

Yo Mama is so fat, when you were born, you came out singin' "It's a small world after all."

Feeling lost and adrift? Gain inner peace by learning the way of the Homer Simpson... Here are some Homeric jewels to live by: "The answers to life's problems aren't at the bottom of the bottle. They're on TV. "What's the point of going out? We're just going to end up back here anyway." "Trying is the first step toward failure." "You can't keep blaming yourself. Just blame yourself once and move on." "Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?" "The three little sentences that will get you through life. No. 1: Cover for me. No. 2: Oh, good idea, boss. No. 3: It was like that when I got here.

Q: Why do blondes drive VWs ? A: Because they can't spell PORSCHE

A sailor trying to sneak back to his ship about 3 o'clock in the morning was spotted by a chief petty officer who ordered him to explain his tardiness. The lame explanation didn't work. "Take this broom and sweep every link on this anchor chain by morning or it's the brig for you," the chief said. The sailor began to sweep, but a tern landed on the broom handle and he couldn't continue. He yelled at the bird, but it didn't budge. He finally plucked it off the broom and gave it a toss. But the bird came right back and again landed on the handle. Over and over, the same routine was repeated. A toss, one sweep, and the bird was back. When morning came, the chief also was back. "What have you b

All the numbers went to a party and numbers being what they are, all the evens stayed around each other and all the odds did the same and neither group interacted with each other. Whilst two was chatting to four he noticed zero was on his own in the corner and suggested to four that because zero is sort of even he should be encouraged to mix with even numbers - four agreed. So off went two to invite zero into their little group. "Would you like to join our little group" enquired two, to which zero replied "I have nothing to add!"

A kindergarten teacher was giving her students a homework assignment. She said, "Students, I know you can do this. If you are going anywhere tonight, then watch how your parents drive in relation to the stoplight. This means, watch how they drive and what they say when the stoplight turns green, when it turns red, and when it turns yellow." So the following day, all the little kids came back with smiles on their faces because they knew that they had done their homework. The teacher asks, "So did everyone do their homework last night?" Every kid says in unison, "Yes!" The teacher continues. "So can anyone tell me what you do when the light turns green?" She looks past the outstretched

A family of moles had been hibernating all winter. One beautiful spring morning, they woke up. The father mole stuck his head out of the hole and looked around. "Mother Mole!" He called back down the hole. "Come up here! I smell honey, fresh made honey!" The mother mole ran up and squeezed in next to him. "That's not honey, that's maple syrup! I smell maple syrup!" The baby mole, still down in the hole, was sulking. "I can't smell anything down here but molasses..."