A man and his love had a terrible spat: She scratched his face and he knocked her flat; She spat at him and he threw her around; She jumped from behind and he fell to the ground. How sad to see such trouble as that... Between a man and his household cat!

On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual and to greet the passengers. He tells them at what altitude they'll be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight.. Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, he says to his co-pilot, "What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and a blowjob." All the passengers hear it. As a stewardess immediately begins to run toward the cockpit to tell the pilot of his slip-up, one of the passengers stops her and says "Don't forget the coffee!"

The kindergarten teacher is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word "definitely" to them. To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence. When called upon the first student says, "The sky is definitely blue." The teacher said, "Well, that isn't entirely correct, because sometimes it's gray and cloudy." Another student says, "Grass is definitely green." Teacher again replies, "If grass doesn't get enough water it turns brown, so that isn't really correct." Another student raises his hand and asks the teacher, "Do farts have lumps?" The teacher replied, "No, and that is not a suitable question for class discussion.

An Irish couple were having a dinner party and the wife, Patty, was very concerned that this dinner go off with out a hitch. She sent the husband, Phillip, off to get some escargot (snails) for an appetizer. She said to him "Don't stop at the local pub, I need you back here right away." So off he goes. After a while he doesn't come back and Patty is getting more and more nervous. About 5 hours later, after the dinner had ended, Phillip, obviously drunk, was just getting into the driveway of the house when he slipped and the snails went flying everywhere. Patty came out of the house and said to him, "Where have you been this whole time?" Thinking quickly Phillip bent down, looked at the s

Roses are red Violets are blue God made me pretty What the heck happened to you?

Q.) Why did the dog go to court? A.) Because it got a barking ticket.

(This is from my friend, Mitchell. It was very funny at first when we first heard him say it at lunch, and I figured I would share it.) Yo Momma's so fat, she ate a grenade and the explosion didn't even make it out!

One day, a little boy came up to a man at the park. The boy asked the man, "Why do you have a big nose?" The man answered, "Because...I have big fingers."

You're so ugly when you were born your parents named you "Shit Happens"

BOB: Have you changed the water in the fish bowl yet? MARGE: No, it hasn't drunk the water I gave it a week ago.

Yo momma so fat, when she sat on a rainbow skittles popped out! Yo momma so fat she tripped broke her leg and gravy poured out! Yo mommas so stupid when I said it was chilly out she grabbed a spoon and ran out! Yo momma so fat she IS the family reunion! Yo momma so skinny she hula hoops with cheerios! Yo momma so flat she jealous of the wall! Yo momma so fat when you get on top her your ears pop! Yo momma so ugly her mom had to tie a steak around her neck to get the dog to play with her! Yo momma so ugly she made an onion cry! Yo momma so ugly rice krispies wont talk to her! har-de-har har old school jokes for you old school insulters...

Yo momma so stupid she asked to buy a vowel on Wheel of Fortune and said "S"