A bachelor asked his friend to find him the perfect mate: "I want a companion who is small and cute, loves water sports and enjoys group activities." Without thinking, his friend replied: "Marry a penguin."

A lot of people ask me if I were shipwrecked, and could only have one book, what would it be? I always say, "How to Build a Boat". - Steven Wright.

Things not to say to a policeman . . . - Care for a doughnut? - Met your quota? Happy now? - Before you arrest me, maybe Mr. George Washington could change your mind. - You're NOT gonna check the trunk, are you? - I want your badge number and your superior officer's name, NOW. - Just had to try out that new siren, didn't you? - Want to race to the station, Sparky? - I bet your wife really likes these handcuffs? - Hey, you must' a been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good job! - I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around, that's how far behind I am. - Let's not forget who pays your salary hare! - Are you Andy ar Barney? - Hey officer, is that your

Waiter, this lobster has only one claw. I'm sorry, sir. It must have been in a fight. Well, bring me the winner then.

Mother: Did you eat all the cookies. Tom? Tom: I didn't touch one. Mother: That's strange. There's only one left. Tom: That's the one I didn't touch.

once a women was in her home and she heard someone go knock-knock. she said, who's their and the voice said tisha the women said tisha who the voice said tisha me my abcs and she was like is that a ghost. the voice said, i'm your cousin and it was a knock-knock joke. oh the woman said

Four friends are at a bar one night when they spy a gorgeous woman sitting down at a table. They know they can't all have her so they decide to take turns trying to get the girl. The first friend walks up to the woman and says "Is it hot in here or is it just you"? The woman replies by turning away and the man plods back sadly to his friends. The second friend sits down next to her and very romantically states "heaven must be missing an angel". The lady tells him to leave so he goes back to sit with his friends. The third friend orders her a drink and sits down with her. He places his hand on her leg and before he can utter a word she calls security and he gets thrown out the bar. The fourth

What is represented by this? DO WN Broken down!

He v. She The family picture is on his desk - Ah, a solid, responsible family man. The family picture is on her desk - Um, her family will come before her career. His desk is cluttered - He's obviously a hard worker and a busy man. Her desk is cluttered - She's obviously a disorganized scatterbrain. He is talking with his co-workers - He must be discussing the latest deal. She is talking with her co-workers - She must be gossiping. He's not in the office - He must be meeting a customer. She's not in the office - She must be out shopping. He's having lunch with the boss - He's on his way up. She's having lunch with the boss - They must be having an affair.

Put the characters C - D - I - M - L - V - X in the right order - but not alphabetical. I - V - X - L - C - D - M. Roman numerals.

Knock knock. Who's there? Lettuce. Lettuce who? Lettuce in, it's raining!

The following is a list of the U.S. deaths in certain places. September 11: 2,752 War on Terror: 4,344 We beat ourselves.