Five toads arrived at the Heaven's Gates. The man in charge asked for each toad's name and what they had been doing. The first gave his name and said he had been going in and out of puddles. The man let him through the gate. He interrogated the next three toads and all three too said they had been going in and out of puddles. Since there was nothing wrong, the man let them all in. Then he reached the last toad. She was a pretty one, in toad's sense, and when asked what her name was, she replied, "Puddles."

A helicopter was flying in Seattle when suddenly an electrical malfunction disabled all electronic navigation and communication equipment. Due to the amount of fog, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. He spotted a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER." The pilot thanked them by smiling and waving, determined the route to SEATAC airport and landed safely. When they were finally on the ground, his co-pilot asked him how he'd done it. "I k

In pharmacology, all drugs have generic names: Tylenol is acetaminophen, Advil is ibuprofen, & so on. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra and announced today that they have settled on mycoxafailin. Also considered were mycoxafloppin, mydixadrupin and mydixarizin.

Your so ugly you remind me of an elephants bottom.

Legendary football announcer Keith Jackson was in Texas to announce a college football game when he noticed a special telephone near the Longhorn's bench. He asked a nearby Texas player what it was for, and was told that it was the "hotline to God." Keith asked if he could use it. The player told him, "Sure, but it will cost you $10." Keith scratched his head and thought, "What the heck, I need a break picking games." He pulled out his wallet and paid the $10. Keith was perfect that week with his football picks. The next week Mr. Jackson was in Florida when he noticed the same kind of telephone on the FSU bench. He again asked what the telephone was for and was told, "It's the hotline to

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them. The beech says to the birch: "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The birch says it cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies: "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in!"

Ole and Sven are neighbors in Minnesota. Ole is in need of a new milk cow. He hears about a nice one for sale over the border in Wisconsin. He drives over to Wisconsin, looks at the cow, and reaches under to see if she gives milk. When he grabs the teat and pulls, the cow farts. Ole is very surprised, looks at the farmer who is selling the cow, and reaches under the cow to try again. He grabs another teat, pulls, and the cow farts again. Milk does come out, however, so after some discussion, Ole decides to buy the cow anyway and take it home. He calls over his neighbor, Sven, and says, "Come here and look at dis new cow I yust bought. Pull her teat and see vat happens dere." Sven reaches und

A lawyer died, and at the same moment, the Pope also died. They arrived at the gates of heaven together. They spend the day in orientation, and as they're getting their heavenly vestments, the Pope gets a plain white toga and wings, like everyone else, and the lawyer gets much finer apparel, made of gold thread, and Gucci shoes. Then, they get to see where they're going to live. The Pope gets what everyone else gets, a replica of a Holiday Inn room, and the lawyer gets an 18-room mansion with servants and a swimming pool. At dinnertime, the Pope receives the standard meal, a kosher TV dinner, but the lawyer receives a five-course meal including caviar, prime rib and chocolate truffles. By

You're so stupid you got locked in an open convertibale car.

How do you leave a message on this thing? I can't understand the instructions. Hello. Testing 1 2 3. I wonder what happens if I touch this... YOW! You know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go on and on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is, "We aren't in, leave a message." That's why I've decided to keep mine simple and short. I pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long answering machine message when you call me... Drawling granny voice: Way back inna winner of fifty-two, we didn' have fanshy gadjets like no ansherin' machine. You jusht had to call and call until shummbody got home. Now, shum people, dey shay de

Q: What do you get when you cross a pig and a centipede? A: Bacon and legs

Yo Momma's so stupid, that I told her to do the robot, and damn! Now R2-D2 got AIDS!