You get homesick watching cops on TV.

What do you call 2 lesbians in a cupboard? A: A liquor cabinet!

Why don't niggers like dirt bikes? Because when it starts, it says: "Run nigga nigga run."

Doctor: Mrs Smith, you have acute angina. Mrs. Smith: I came here to be examined, not admired.

- OK, . . . . so what's the speed of dark? - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. - Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now. - Every one has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film. - How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges? - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. - What happens if you get scared half to death twice? - I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? - Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened. - Just remember - if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off. - Light travels faster

A soldier had lost his bayonet and whittled one from wood so he could stand inspection. He was hoping not to be discovered until the regiment had gone into battle where he could pick up one from a dead soldier. At an inspection, an officer asked to see his bayonet. The soldier stated, "Sir, I promised my father I would never unsheathe my bayonet unless I intended to kill with it." The officer insisted he hand over the bayonet. Taking it out, the soldier looked skyward and declared, "May the Lord change this bayonet to wood for breaking my vow."

Knock knock Who's there? can't catch. can't catch who? me, you can't catch me!

Shakespeare walks into a bar and the bartender shouts at him, "You can't come in here, you're Bard!"

On opening his new store, a man received a bouquet of flowers. He became dismayed on reading the enclosed card, which expressed "Deepest Sympathy". While puzzling over the message, his telephone rang. It was the florist, apologizing for having sent the wrong card. "Oh, it's all right," said the storekeeper. "I'm a businessman and I understand how these things can happen." "But," added the florist, "I accidentally sent your card to a funeral party." "Well, what did it say?" ask the storekeeper. "'Congratulations on your new location'," was the reply.

Where do you find a dog with no legs? Where you left him!

Girl: Do you believe in puppy love? Boy: I tried it once, but their assholes are too small. ---------------------------------------------------------- Husband says; "When I'm gone you'll never find another man like me." Wife replied; "What makes you think I'd want another man like you?" ---------------------------------------------------------- When I was young I used to pray for a bike, then I realized that God doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness. ---------------------------------------------------------- A woman walks up to a guy in a blue bathing suit and says, "Did you know your eyes match your swim trunks?" He says, "Why? Are my eyes bulging?" ----

The young man entered the Ice Cream Palace and asked, "What kinds of ice cream do you have?" "Vanilla, chocolate, strawberry," the girl wheezed as she spoke, patted her chest and seemed unable to continue. "Do you have laryngitis?" the young man asked sympathetically. "Nope," she whispered, "just vanilla, chocolate and strawberry."