What is more peculiar than watching a catfish? Watching a goldfish bowl.

Yo momma's so fat, when she goes to get the mail it measures on the Richter scale.

I wish my name was Gary Boone! Do you wanna know why? Because, then, my name could be goon... you see, because you take the "G" from Gary and the "oone" from Boone to get Goon! But, you know, that's not the worst nickname. The person that does have the worst nickname is my friend, Phil Hart. I can't even tell you what we call him...

Three men are fishing. One catches a magic fish that will grant each one a wish if they let him go. The first one wishes he could double his IQ. It is done. The second one wishes to triple his IQ. It is done. The last one (who is an idiot) wishes to multiply his IQ by a 1/2. The fish asks if he is sure; the man nods. When the fish grants his wish, he turns into a blond.

Q. Have you heard about the new 'Mint flavored birth control pill for women that they take immediately before sex? A. They're called Predicaments

One day a blond and a redhead were talking on the phone. Blonde:My doctor told me I have to lose about ten pounds. Redhead:Oh really? Do you know what you going to do? Blonde: No not at all... hey you lost wieght recently. How did you do it? Redhead: I used the special K diet blonde:Whats that? Redhead:Well you eat a bowl of special K for lunch and one for breakfast and have a sensable dinner each day. I lost 5 pounds in a week Blonde: Okay thanks! a week later the blonde calls back her friend Redhead: How did it work? blonde:Not well at all i gained 5 pounds redhead: Really did you follow my intructions exactly? blonde: Well no but i had to lose double the wieght Redhead: Well what did you

When I walk the dogs, I take a handful of black plastic bags, since the local council requires us to 'clear up after our dogs' or face a stiff fine. This being the wild blackberry season, I use a spare (clean!) one to hold the blackberries I pick on the way. Coming off the hill, I passed an American visitor, who said something, looking at the bulging bag. "I'm taking them home for supper - they're delicious with cream," I said. She turned white. Some minutes later I worked out that she had said that the dog-waste bin was just round the corner. If I see her again, I must invite her to supper.

A lady was at the bar when a guy started hitting on her. She said "I'll send my pants to you from the dry cleaners, that way you can get into them on you own time."

How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path.

Yo mama so ghetto, her wedding cake was made out of cornbread.

Yo momma so dumb, She invented water proof tea bags.

Patient: "It must be tough spending all day with your hands in someone's mouth." Dentist: "I just think of it as having my hands in their wallet."