I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

What does a blond say when she is watching a porn movie? ANSWER: "Look, me!"

Everyone seems normal until you get to know them

The owner of a golf course in Knoxville, Tennessee was confused about paying an invoice minus his early payment discount, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Tennessee and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?" The secretary thought a moment, then replied, "Everything but my earrings."

The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.

Yo momma is so fat, that every time you smack her butt, you can ride the waves!

A father asked his son: "Why do you take the medicine before it's time? " The son answered:" To surprise the germs! "

Yo Momma so lazy she thinks a two-income family is where yo daddy has 2 jobs.

There was an Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman stranded on an island. They see a cave up ahead. The Englishman goes in and sees some toast on a rock. He goes over to it but then a voice comes. "Dont eat the toast," the voice shouts. The Englishman runs out. The Scotsman walks in and sees the toast as well, the voice comes back. "Don't eat the toast." The Scotsman thinks it's his imagination but then he hears it again, "Don't eat the toast," says the voice,the Scotsman runs out. The Irishman wondering what's going on, goes inside. He hears the voice once, thinks nothing of it. He hears the voice again, still he ignores it. He picks up the toast and eats it. The voice shouts, "I war

A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the bartender asks for their order. The man says, "I'll have a beer" and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?" "I'll have a beer too" says the ostrich. The bartender pours the beer and says "That will be $3.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again, and the man says "I'll have a beer," and the ostrich says "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This became a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the bartender."Well, it's close to last ca