When the salesman dropped in to pay a visit to one of his customers, he found the office empty except for a very large dog who was emptying wastebaskets. Rubbing his eyes, he was certain they must have been playing tricks on him. "Don't look so surprised," said the dog, "after all, this is part of my job." "This is amazing!" exclaimed the salesman. "I can't believe it. Does you boss know what a prize he has in you? An animal that can actually talk!" "No, no," the dog pleaded, "don't tell him. If he knows I can talk, the next thing you know he'll have me answering the phones too."

The boss, to four of his employees: "I'm really sorry, but I'm going to have to let one of you go." Black employee: "I'm a protected minority." Female employee: "And I'm a woman." Oldest employee: "Fire me, buster, and I'll hit you with an age discrimination suit so fast it'll make your head spin." ...at which they all turn to look at the helpless young, white, male employee, who thinks a moment, then responds: "I think I might be gay..."

Grocery List; (noun) A piece of paper you spend half an hour writing, and then forget to take with you to the store.

The Wacky Warning Label Contest, now in its 11th year, is conducted by Novi-based Michigan Lawsuit Abuse Watch as part of an effort to show the effects of lawsuits on warning labels. Kevin Soave of Farmington Hills, a Detroit suburb, won the $500 grand prize for submitting the winning label. The $250 second place was given to Carrianne, Jacob and Robby Turin of Greensburg, Pa., for a label they found on an iron-on T-shirt transfer that warns: "Do not iron while wearing shirt." Richard Goodnow of Lancaster, Mass., earned the $100 third-place prize for a label on a baby stroller featuring a small storage pouch that warns: "Do not put child in bag." Contest organizer Bob Dorigo Jones sa

A husband and wife are walking down the High Street one evening, when the wife saw a beautiful diamond necklace in the jeweller's shop window. "Oh," she exclaims, "I really would like that! Do you think you could get it for me?" With that, he looks around and finally locates a brick, which he promptly lobs through the window; he then grabs the necklace, and the two of them leg it. "Oh, there was a lovely pair of earrings to match in the other window!" she says. "What, do you think I'm MADE of bricks?" he exclaims.

"This house," said the real estate salesman, "has both its good points and its bad points. To show you I'm honest, I'm going to tell you about both. "The disadvantage is that there is a chemical plant one block south and a slaughterhouse a block north." "What is the advantage?" inquired the prospective buyer. "The advantage is that you can always tell which way the wind is blowing."

Soccer Coach: Why didn't you stop the ball? New Goalie: I thought that was what the net was for!

Aron: Throw all of your fish in the air. Jake: Why? Aron: So I can tell my mom I honestly caught them.

Polly Perkins was after a talking parrot, so she went to the local pet shop in the hope of securing such a find. She was in luck. The shop assistant assured her that the parrot would learn and repeat any word or phrase it heard. Polly was delighted. However, a week later, the parrot still hadn't spoken a word. Polly returned to the shop to complain, however, it appeared that the assistant was accurate in what he had said, and refused a refund. Why didn't the parrot talk? The parrot was deaf and as such couldn't repeat a single word it had heard!

What's purple and commutes? An Abelian grape.

Freddy:May I please use the telephone for a while? Lady Flora:Yes, you may. Then Freddy saw a poster of Jollibee. There it says that the only telephone number you may dial in Rhode Island if you want to talk to them is: 626-999-626. Freddy called that number. Freddy:626-999-626. Jollibe Customer Service:Hello, Jollibee customer service here. What do you want to order. Freddy: One piece Chicken McDonalds and any coffee by Figaro please. Then Freddy ran away because he was afraid what the customer service will say.

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk." Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?" "Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go." Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."