50° Fahrenheit (10° C) Californians shiver uncontrollably. Canadians plant gardens. 35° Fahrenheit (1.6° C) - Italian Cars won't start. Canadians drive withthe windows down. 32° Fahrenheit (0 ° C) American water freezes. Canadian water gets thicker. 0° Fahrenheit (-17.9° C) New York City landlords finally turn on the heat. Canadians have the last cookout of the season -60° Fahrenheit (-51° C) Mt. St. Helens freezes. Canadian Girl Guides sell cookies door-to-door. -100° Fahrenheit (-73° C) Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. Canadianspull down their ear flaps. -173° Fahrenheit (-114° C) Ethyl alcohol Freezes. Canadians get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg. -460°

It is amazing how politicians can fit all their good points in a 30 second TV commercial.

It must suck being a penis because- 1. Your best friends are nuts 2. Your closest neighbour is an asshole 3. You vomit when you're excited 4. Your owner abuses you And if you're in the mood- 5. You work double-duty on Tuesday.

Three friends decided to check out a room in a hotel, but before the man gave them their key he said, "In your room there is a window. If you jump out of it while wishing something outloud your wish will come true." The three friends raced to their room, the first guy jumped out and said, "I wish for a big pile of money!" and landed in one. The second guy wished for a group of cheerleaders that would love him. He jumped out and landed in their arms. The third guy got a running start, tripped over the window frame and said, "Crap!" Let's just say he went back to wish for lots and lots of soap.

What do you call a one-eyed dinosaur? Dyouthinkhesaurus

The masked and armed man entered the bank. "Nobody move, or you're geography!" shouts the bandit. One of the tellers says, "Don't you mean 'history'?" "Don't change the subject!"

An Englishman, an American and a Frenchman were discussing a good example of savoir-faire. "Ok," said the Englishman, "if you came home and found your wife in bed with another man and you didn't kill him, that to me, is savoir-faire." "Not quite, fellas," said the American. "If you came home and found your wife in bed with another man and you said, 'Please carry on', that's savoir-faire." "Mais non," said the Frenchman. "If you came home and found your wife in bed with another man and you said, 'Please carry on', and he could, that's savoir-faire."

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether. Indecision is the key to flexibility. Hang in there, retirement is only 30 years away! Aim low; reach your goals; avoid disappointment. Teamwork means never having to take the blame yourself. A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat. If at first you don't succeed, try management.

What did the whale say to the dolphin when he pushed him? I didn't do it on porpoise!

Automobile Tool Definitions Hammer: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive car parts not far from the object we are trying to hit. Mechanic's Knife: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing convertible tops or tonneau covers. Electric Hand Drill: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling rollbar mounting holes in the floor of a sports car just above the brake line that goes to the rear axle. Hacksaw: One of a family of cutting tools

Knock Knock! Who's There? Abbott. Abbott who? Abbott time you answered the door!

You're as funny as a ripped-up joke book!