Guy goes to see his doctor - "Doctor, please help me, I've got kleptomania bad!" "OK, take these pills, one a day, but if they've not worked in a month, could you get me an LCD telly?"

Note: This joke only makes sense if you read Space Adventure Part I on this site. A complete set of the Adventures can be found in the FunnyStories Forum. ---------------------------------- I Wally will take it from here! Part 1. A Space Mission Point of View: Wally(Junior) Notes: I'll tell the story. Anything in parenthesse is me talking to you, not what someone said. -------------------------------- Medical: Oh, sorry. Me: Whatever. Senior: HA HA the woman can't remember!(Senior's a meanie I mean Come On!) Me: SHUT UP! Pilot: Jake (that's Senior's name) it's not her fault she can't remember. She didn't choose to be female*laughs*! Medical: Don't make me hurt you! Jake: Settle down, baby!

Things You Don't Want to Hear When Regaining Consciousness "I don't know what it is, but hurry up and pack it in ice." "Hey Charlie, unzip the bag on that one, he's still moving." "Blink once for 'yes'." "What do you mean we have the wrong patient?" "Why is there a tag on his toe?" "Do you think he can hear us?" "I didn't even know a human could bend that way." "I'm sorry, we must not have used enough anasthesia." "Just relax now. We'll be done in a jiffy." "Hold the patient still, we've almost pried it open." "Did the doctor know he would look like that afterwards?" "Of course I've performed this operation before, Nurse!" "Nurse, make sure you're getting all this down." "It

In his legal practice, Abraham Lincoln was never greedy for fees and discouraged unnecessary litigation. A man came to him in a passion, asking him to bring a suit for $2.50 against an impoverished debtor. Lincoln tried to dissuade him, but the man was determined upon revenge. When he saw that the creditor was not to be put off, Lincoln asked for and got $10 as his legal fee. He gave half of this to the defendant, who thereupon willingly confessed to the debt and paid up the $2.50, thus settling the matter to the entire satisfaction of the irate plaintiff.

Twinkle, twinkle little star how I wonder what you are Shine upon a parking lot As I eat my girlfriends twat. Peter, Peter pumpkin eater Saw a chick but couldn't meet her Saw her brother one fine day Sucked his cock and now he's GAY. Jack Sprat could eat no fat His wife could eat no lean So he ignored her flabby tits An licked her asshole clean. Eenie Meanie Miney Mo Suck my dick and swallow slow. Mary Mary quite contrary Shave that pussy its so damn hairy. Hickory Dickory Dock Some chick was sucking my cock The clock struck two I blew my goo And dumped the bitch off at the next block. Hickory Dickory Dock Some chick was sucking my cock It was quite scary all wrinkled and hairy.

The GOP Congress will re-introduce drilling for oil in the Arctic. Republicans say the environmental effect is minimal; a study shows caribou do not make campaign contributions.

No matter what happens, there is always somebody who knew that it would.

Two old men were arguing the merits of their doctors. The first one said, "I don't trust your fancy doctor. He treated old Jake Waxman for a kidney ailment for nearly a year, and then Jake died of a liver ailment." "So what makes you think your doctor is any better?" asked his friend. "Because when my doctor treats you for a kidney ailment, you can be sure you'll die of a kidney ailment."

Bubba finally agreed to take his wife, Sue Ellen, to a play. They had hardly sat down when he jumped up and said "Sue Ellen, we gotta go!" With Sue Ellen in tow, Bubba stomped out to the foyer, demanded his money back, and they left the theater. When they got out onto the sidewalk, Sue Ellen said, "Now you tell me what's wrong, Bubba Leroy, and you tell me right now, or I ain't goin' another step." Bubba said, "Sue Ellen, I ain't no fool and I'm an only child. We done paid $20 of egg money for this here play and I heard somebody say that the second act was 10 years later! We ain't got that kinda money to be wastin' on play actin' when we ain't even sure where we gonna be in 10 years."

A furniture dealer from Knoxville, Tennessee, decided that he wanted to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris, France to see what he could find. After arriving in Paris (this being his first trip to the French capitol), he met with some manufacturers and finally selected a line that he thought would sell well back home in Tennessee. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine. As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the one other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house. Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian woman came to his table, ask

* Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pay with two $16 bills. * The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits. * A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis. By the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain. * A convict broke out of jail in Washington D.C. A few days later he went with his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch he went out for a sandwich. His girlfriend needed him, so she had him paged by the bailiff. Police offic

Knock knock. Who's there? Poop!