What do snakes use for birth control? An Anacondom!

Rose, a mother of two boys, Jim and Ralph, heard yelling from upstairs. She heard several phrases like "I got you!" and "No, you didn't!" She ran to see what the yelling was about. It ended up that the two boys were playing cops and robbers, and were trying to shoot each other with their fingers. "Jim! Haven't I taught you not to point! Fake guns are no excuse!" "...But mum!" Jim replied after a short pause, "I'm giving him the thumbs up, too!"

Yo Momma's so poor she had to save up to pay attention!

Michael Jackson and his wife are in the recovery room with their new baby son. The doctor walks in and Michael asks: "Doctor, how long before we can have sex?" The doctor replies, "I'd wait until he's at least 14."

What is green and yellow and eats nuts? GONORRHEA

Brothers Mike and Seamus O'Malley are the two richest men in town, and also the two meanest, foulest bad guys for many miles around. They would cheat and swindle anyone that they could. One day Seamus dies, and Mike goes to the priest. "Father," he says, "my good name will be upheld in this town. You will give the eulogy for my brother and in that eulogy, you are going to say 'Seamus O'Malley was truly a saint'." "I will do no such a thing," says the priest. "It would be a lie." "I know that you will," says Mike. "I hold the mortgage on the parish school, and if you don't say those words, I'll foreclose." The priest is in a dilemma. "And if I pledge to say those words," he says, "you'll sig

You might be a redneck if you let your thirteen-year-old daughter smoke at the table in front of HER two kids.

Patient: "My hair keeps falling out. What can you give me to keep it in?" Doctor: "A shoebox!"

Knock Knock! Who's There? Candy. Candy who? Candy door even open?

Guy goes to see his doctor - "Doctor, please help me, I've got kleptomania bad!" "OK, take these pills, one a day, but if they've not worked in a month, could you get me an LCD telly?"

An airplane takes off from the airport. The Captain is Jewish and the First Officer is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and it's obvious, by the silence, that they don't get along. After thirty minutes, the Jewish Captain mutters: "I don't like Chinese." The First Officer replies: "Oooooh, no like Chinese? Why dat?" "Your people bombed Pearl Harbor. That's why I don't like Chinese." "Nooooo, noooo, Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah. That Japanese, not Chinese." "Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese... it doesn't matter, you're all alike." Another thirty minutes of silence. Finally, the First Officer says: "No like Jew." "Why not? Why don't you like Jews?" "Jews sink Titanic." "The

Note: This joke only makes sense if you read Space Adventure Part I on this site. A complete set of the Adventures can be found in the FunnyStories Forum. ---------------------------------- I Wally will take it from here! Part 1. A Space Mission Point of View: Wally(Junior) Notes: I'll tell the story. Anything in parenthesse is me talking to you, not what someone said. -------------------------------- Medical: Oh, sorry. Me: Whatever. Senior: HA HA the woman can't remember!(Senior's a meanie I mean Come On!) Me: SHUT UP! Pilot: Jake (that's Senior's name) it's not her fault she can't remember. She didn't choose to be female*laughs*! Medical: Don't make me hurt you! Jake: Settle down, baby!