What does the male centipede say to the other male centipede when a female centipede walks by? That's a nice pair of legs, pair of legs, pair of legs, pair of legs.....

Q: Why was Raggedy Anne kicked out of the toypen? A: Because she kept sitting on Pinnochio's face saying, "Lie to me, lie to me!"

Yo Momma so dirty, she went in for a shower and lost weight!

Yo momma is so fat she used the Grand Canyon as her sidewalk.

The priest was instructing a class of third- graders at All Saints grammar school. "There were two brothers, and one of them chose the wicked path of Satan. The brother was evil and corrupt and did great damage to many people, and wound up a convicted criminal in a tiny, dark cell. "But the other brother studied hard and became a great, rich, knowledgeable lawyer. "Now, children, what is the difference between these two brothers, who started out in the same place, who together embarked upon life's stormy seas?" Herman raised his hand and said, "Easy. One of them got caught."

This guy loved living in Staten Island, but he wasn't crazy about the ferry. If you missed a ferry late at night, you had to spend the next hour or so wandering the deserted streets of lower Manhattan. So, when he spotted a ferry no more than fifteen feet from the dock, he decided he wouldn't subject himself to an hour's wait. He made a running leap and landed on his hands and knees, a little bruised maybe, but safe on deck. He got up, brushed himself off, and announced proudly to a bystander, "Well, I made that one, didn't I?" "Sure did," the bystander said. "But you should have waited a minute or two. The ferry is just about to dock."

A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water. Anyone who thinks old age is golden must not have had a very exciting youth. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night? Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks? Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job. No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car. There are no new sins...the old ones just get more publicity. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number

A lady one day decides to place an ad for a good relationship in bed. she said muct not have hands to beat her, must not have feet to walk on her and must be good in bed. one day, the doorbell rang and she answered it. a man with no legs, or hands is there and says " Are u from the ad" she says yeah. she says then " You have no hands so u cant beat me, you have no feet so you wont walk over me, but tell me this... are u good in bed"? he replies "How do u think i rang the doorbell"?

Chuck Norris did in fact, build Rome in a day. Along with his black belt, Chuck Norris often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call him on it. Ever. Anytime someone is elected president in the United States, they must ask permission from Chuck Norris to live in the White House. The reason for this is because Chuck Norris had won every Federal, State, and Local election since 1777. He just allows others to run the country in his place. Once you go Norris, you are physically unable to go back. Ninjas want to grow up to be just like Chuck Norris. But usually they grow up just to be killed by Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris once sued Burger King after they refused to put razor w

1) What do you say to a Blonde that won't give in? "Have another beer." 2) What's the difference between a blonde and a solar powered calculator? The blonde works in the dark! 3) How do you keep a blonde busy for hours? Scroll down... Scroll up... 4) So a blonde is walking down the street and she stops to ask a man the time, he says "O, it's uhh...4:45." The blonde responds, "Man, I've been asking that question all day and I get a different answer every time! 5) Superman, Batman, and a smart blonde all died on the same day.Which one got to Heaven first? None of them.They are all make-believe.

The animals were bored. Finally, the lion had an idea. "I know a really exciting game that the humans play called football. I've seen it on T.V." He proceeded to describe it to the rest of the animals and they all got excited about it so they decided to play. They went out to the field and chose up teams and were ready to begin. The lion's team received. They were able to get two first downs and then had to punt. The mule punted, and the rhino was back deep for the kick. He caught the ball, lowered his head and charged. First, he crushed a roadrunner then two rabbits. He gored a wildebeast, knocked over two cows, and broke through to daylight, scoring six. Unfortunately, they lacked a placek

Patient: I'm in a hospital! Why am I in here? Doctor: You've had an accident involving a train. Patient: What happened? Doctor: Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first? Patient: Well... The bad news first... Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them. Patient: That's terrible! What's the good news? Doctor: There's a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers.