At one time in my life, I thought I had a handle on the meaning of the word "service". The act of doing things for other people. Then I heard the terms: Internal Revenue Service, Postal Service, Civil Service, Telephone Service, Service Stations, Customer Service, City/County Public Service. And I became confused about the word "service". This is not what I thought "service" meant. Then one day, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them mentioned that he was having a bull service a few of his cows. SHAZAM! It all came into perspective. Now I understand what all those "service" agencies are doing to us...

Ole is so cheap that after his airplane landed safely he grumbled, "Vell, dere gose five dollars down da drain for dat flight insurance!"

My next house will have no kitchen -- just vending machines and a large trash can.

A brunette said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid."

Molly wrote a letter to Santa Claus one day. Dear Santa, Please give me a Workout Barbie and a new milkman because he is sleeping with Mommy. Love, Molly

Yo mama is so fat she has to get baptized in Sea World.

1.(Of course) Laugh hysterically and for no reason. 2. Pretend you holding something like a small knife and swing at the air as if you are trying to cut something. If someone asks, say you were misinterpreted or deny the whole thing. 3. Wear headphones everywhere you go, leaving the plug dangling out, easily seen, and then stationary knod, as if to a beat. Pretend not to hear anyone unless they touch you to get you attention. Periodically forget to take off headphones when you are touched and act confused when you cannot hear them. 4. Sit in front of a library computer and twitch your eyelid for 20 seconds, the get up and browse the fiction E section. Repeat. 5. Sit in front of a public

One day in heaven, George Bush saw Moses & walked up to him. When he tried to say hi Moses ran off. The next day George Bush saw Moses again. He then tried to say hi, but he sped off again. The next day when George Bush saw Moses he asked him. " How come every time i try to say hi to you, you run off?" Moses replied," Last time I saw a bush, I was stuck in the desert for 40 years."

Yo momma is so fat when she sees a school bus go by, she says "STOP THAT TWINKY!!"

Feeling lost and adrift? Gain inner peace by learning the way of the Homer Simpson... Here are some Homeric jewels to live by: "The answers to life's problems aren't at the bottom of the bottle. They're on TV. "What's the point of going out? We're just going to end up back here anyway." "Trying is the first step toward failure." "You can't keep blaming yourself. Just blame yourself once and move on." "Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?" "The three little sentences that will get you through life. No. 1: Cover for me. No. 2: Oh, good idea, boss. No. 3: It was like that when I got here.

Little Tommy ran to his dad and said "Daddy, daddy! Watch me count." Tommy holds up his right hand, and, touching each finger, counts to five. "One, two, three, four, five." "Good!" his dad exclaimed. "Can you count higher?" Tommy pauses to think for a minute, then stretches his hand higher up in the air, past his head. "One, two, three, four, five..."

It is important for men to remember, that as women grow older it becomes harder for them to maintain t he same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive and there ain't nothing worse then an oversensitive woman. My name is Doug .... Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Ernestine. When I was laid off from my consulting job and took "early retirement" in April, it became necessary for Ernestine to get a full-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the Golf