During the final days at Denver's old Stapleton airport, a crowded United flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS." The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I''ll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we''ll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?" Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public addre

Q: Why did the blonde get pulled over by the police? A: Her headlights weren't working, so she was flashing people

A blonde walks into a casino and goes up to the craps table. She tells the dealers she wants to bet $10 000 on a single roll of the dice. The dealers figure that since shes a blonde, she must not know what shes doing, so they allow her to place the bet. Then the blonde starts to strip. The dealers ask her what shes doing and she replies, "I'm luckier when I'm naked. Hope ya don't mind." So she rolls the dice and jumps up and down screaming, "I WON! I WON! YAY!" She hugs the dealers and picks up her chips and clothes and jumps excitedly away. While enjoying the view of the blonde jumping away, the second dealer leans over and whispers to the first dealer, "What'd she roll?" The first dealer

Q: What do you call 4 blondes standing side-by-side? A: A wind tunnel.

A man asked God how much a million dollars was to him. God replied, "Oh, about one penny." Then the man asked how much an eternity was to him. God replied, "Oh, about a second." Then the man asked. "Can I have a million dollars and live an eternal life?" God replied, "Sure, just wait a sec."

What do you call a pretty woman in Poland? A tourist

Your mother's so fat, when she goes to a restaurant she looks at the menu and says, "OK"!

A man and wife are out shopping one day. The wife turns to her husband and says; "Darling it's my mum's birthday tomorrow what shall we get her? Perhaps something electric?" "A chair?" replies the husband.

What do you call a pig who knows karate? A Pork-Chop!

A little boy was sitting on the couch while his parents were arguing. "I don't want your bastard family coming over for Thanksgiving." said his mom. "Mom, what's a bastard?" asked the little boy. "Oh, that is just your dad's family." she replied. "Well I don't want those bitches you call family to come either!" his dad said "Dad, what,s a bitch?" "Oh, it is just your moms family."he said Later the little boy went and took a shower with his mom. He looked up and said, "Mom what are those?" His mom was surprised she didn't know what to say so she said, "Oh, they are tits. something grown ups wear under there clothes."The boy seemed satisfied and got out. He then took a shower with hi

In the supermarket was a man pushing a cart which contained a screaming, bellowing baby. The gentleman kept repeating softly, "Don't get excited, Albert; don't scream, Albert; don't yell, Albert; keep calm, Albert." A woman standing next to him said, "You certainly are to be commended for trying to soothe your son, Albert." The man looked at her and said, "Lady, I'm Albert."

"Don't be afraid of the dog," said the lady to young Johnny, who was delivering her groceries. "You know the old proverb, 'A barking dog never bites?'" "Yes," replied young Johnny. "You know the proverb. I know the proverb. But does your dog know the proverb?"