My wife and I are both the youngest child. Combine that with our own experience as parents and we often satirically talk about how things change as you have more children: Feeling the Baby Move First child: I placed my hand on my wife's tummy every chance I could for two months waiting for that first time when I could feel the baby move. Hour after hour I waited until that magic moment when I felt this little movement. We called all of our relatives to tell them about the blessed experience. Second child: When it first happened, my wife called me at the office. I quickly ran home and felt the baby move. We included the experience in all of our letter to our family. Third child: She told

An elderly lady was stopped to pull into a parking space when a young man in his new Mercedes went around her and parked in the space she was waiting for. She was so upset that she went up to the man and said, "I was going to park there!" The man, being a real smart alec, said, "Oh, well, that's what you can do when you're young and bright." This made the lady even angrier, so she got in her car, backed up, pressed on the gas and plowed right into his Mercedes. The young man raced back to his car and exclaimed, "What did you go and do that for?" The little old lady replied, "That's what you can do when you're old and rich!"

Redneck Compliments - Cute as a sack full of puppies. - If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it. - Gooder than grits.

Mistake: to err, to cause an error or make a mess; If a barber makes a mistake, it's a new style... If a driver makes a mistake, it is an accident... If a politician makes a mistake, it is a new law... If a scientist makes a mistake, it is a new invention... If a tailor makes a mistake, it is a new fashion... If a teacher makes a mistake, it is a new theory... If our boss makes a mistake, it is our mistake... If an employee makes a mistake, it is a "MISTAKE."

"They're multipurpose. Not only do they put the clips on, but they take them off." - Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged the Air Force nearly $1000 for an ordinary pair of pliers.

1. All of you, stand in a straight circle. 2. I have two daughters, and both are girls! 3. Both the three of you get out of the class. 4. I saw you with my wife.....in the theatre. 5. Open the windows let the Airforce come in. 6. Boys go to the right, girls to the left. The rest follow me. 7. How dare you look at the monkey outside the window when I'm sitting here!

What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer? A good lawyer knows the law; a great lawyer knows the judge.

STAFF NOTICE - TOILET POLICY Effective immediately, a toilet policy will be established to provide more consistent method of accounting for staff during working hours, thus ensuring effective time management & equal treatment of all. In the future, the doors to all toilets will be equipped with computer linked voice recognition devices, which can only be activated to open at the sound of a person's voice. Staff must therefore immediately provide management with 2 voice prints, one in normal tone & one under stress/desperation. The following rules shall also apply: 1. On the first day of every month, all staff will be issued 22 toilet trip credits. 2. Once toilet trip bank

1. And your crybaby whiny opinion would be...? 2. Do I look like a people person? 3. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting. 4. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left. 5. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me. 6. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer. 7. If I throw a stick, will you leave? 8. You!... Off my planet! 9. If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cats. 10. Does your train of thought have a caboose? 11. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed. 12. A PBS mind in an MTV world. 13. Allow me to introduce my selves. 14. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed. 15. Suburbia: where they tear

A lawyer goes in to the cell where his client is being held. "Okay, I've some bad news, and some good news." "Right, what's the bad news?" "It's DEFINITELY your blood at the scene of the crime." "So what's the good news?" "Your cholesterol is way down!"

once a women was in her home and she heard someone go knock-knock. she said, who's their and the voice said tisha the women said tisha who the voice said tisha me my abcs and she was like is that a ghost. the voice said, i'm your cousin and it was a knock-knock joke. oh the woman said

A blond finished his English exam and came out. His friends asked him how did he do in his exam; he replied, "Exam was okay, but for the past tense of THINK, I thought, thought, thought ... and at last I wrote THUNK!"