Diplomacy: The ability to tell a person to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the trip.

What is the difference between men and government bonds? The bonds mature. Eventually.

Two Boy Scouts went on a nature hike in the hills picking hickory nuts. Along the way, they filled their small pails and then started to fill their pockets and shirts. When they could hold no more nuts, they started down the country road until they came upon a cemetery. The boys decided that it would be a good place to stop and rest to divide the nuts. The two boys sat in the shade of a large oak tree and unloaded their pockets and buckets by dumping all of the nuts into a large pile. In the process, two of the nuts rolled away and settled near the road. The boys then proceeded to divide the nuts. "One for you. One for me. One for you. One for me..." As they were doing this, another

"We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve years telling them to sit down and shut up." -Phyllis Diller

Seen on a bumper sticker: "I don't care who's on board, what you love, who you brake for or what you'd rather be doing."

1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile. 2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the "woo" sound. 3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs (no). Admire the size of your wiener in the mirror, scratch your "privates" and smell your fingers for one last whiff. 4. Get in the shower. 5. Don't bother to look for a washcloth (you don't use one). 6. Wash your face. 7. Wash your armpits. 8. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower. 9. Wash your privates and surrounding area. 10. Wash your butt, leaving hair on the soap bar. 11. Shampoo

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? We don't know, it has never happened.

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which

A doctor came to a sanitarium to check up on the patients. He sees that everybody is walking around with an empty leash. So he asks a few patients what they are doing. They all answered that they are taking their dog out on a walk. Only one of the patients said "What are you, blind? I'm holding an empty leash!" So the doctor says "Very good, I see you are not as crazy as everyone else." When the doctor leaves, the patient says, "Did you see how we fooled him, Sparky?!"

Eve, in the Garden of Eden, called out, "Lord, I have a problem." And the Lord said, "What's the matter, Eve?" "I know You created me and this beautiful garden. But I'm lonely - and I'm sick of eating apples." "Well, in that case," replied the Almighty, "I'll create a man for you." "What's a man?" "He's a flawed creature with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to listen. But he's big and fast and muscular. He'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball and hunting animals." "Sounds great!" replied Eve. "There's one condition," added the Lord. "You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."

Men's Rules for Women --------------------------- 1) Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us bitching about you leaving it down. 2) Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it. 3) Saturday = sports. 4) Crying is blackmail. 5)Ask for what you want. Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. Just say it! 6) We don't remember dates. Mark them on a calendar and remind us frequently. 7) Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. 8) Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. Th

Yo momma so dumb, she spent twenty minutes staring at a orange juice bottle because it said, 'Concentrate'.