An elementary school teacher asked her students to write a truthful report on what they would do if they had a million dollars. There was only one student who recieved an A, and the rest failed for lying. This was the paper with the A: Johnny ...

Q: Why were the British fighting us in the war of 1812? A: Because they were done beating up the French, and they needed someone new to pick on.

You might be a redneck if your swimsuit is your bra and underwear.

What do you call a lonely fisherman? A Master-Baiter

John took Mary to the movies, and they both enjoyed the show very much. Afterwards, John asked Mary what she wanted to do; "I want to get weighed," she said. He took her to a drugstore, where the machine said she weighed 107 pounds, but for the rest of the night she pouted and sulked. When they finally got to her house, John tried to kiss her, but she said, "Go on home now, I've had a wowsy time."

Mom: "Why have you been sent home early, Jack?" Jack: "Because the boy next to me was smoking." Mom: "But if he was smoking, why were you sent home?" Jack: "Because I set him on fire!"

If your brain was dynamite, you wouldn't have enough to blow your hat off!

Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns don't work. Why is a river rich? Because it has two banks. What is a foreign ant called? Import-ant. What do ants take when they are ill? Anti-biotics.

Patient: "My hair keeps falling out. What can you give me to keep it in?" Doctor: "A shoebox!"

- OK, . . . . so what's the speed of dark? - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. - Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now. - Every one has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film. - How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges? - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. - What happens if you get scared half to death twice? - I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? - Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened. - Just remember - if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off. - Light travels faster

Knock-Knock! Who's there? Maida. Maida who? Maida force be with you!

A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were on the run from a cop after stealing from a shop. They decided to hide in some trees. The cop passes by the trees, and he knocks the tree that the redhead was in. She said "squawk, squawk, squawk". So the cop said "Oh, it's just a bird". Then he knocks the tree that the brunette was in. She made noises like a squirrel, so the cop said "Oh, it's just a squirrel". Then the cop goes and knocks the tree the blonde was in and she said "moo, moo, moo". The cop got alerted and so the 3 of them was on the run again. This time, the decide to hide in some bags. The cop comes by and kicks the bag the redhead was in, and she said "meow, meow, meow". So the cop