Why are they called old sayings? Are they really old? If someone came up with a new one, would it be a new saying? "A penny saved is a penny earned." Who cares about a penny? A more appropriate version would be, "A penny saved is absolutely worthless. Try a quarter next time." "An apple a day keeps the doctor away." Why? What if apples went extinct? What would happen then? What if you were allergic to them? What if your dad was a doctor? Would that keep him away? "Ignorance is bliss." I though bliss was a GOOD thing... "Don't count your chickens before they are hatched." But you can't! Before they are hatched, they'd be EGGS. "Ask no questions and hear no lies." But what if they tell th

What's the difference between a sock and a camera? One takes five toes and one takes photos.

-- Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs. -- Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained. -- Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach. -- Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk. -- Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown. -- Lymph (v.), to walk with a limp. -- Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash. -- Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller. -- Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline. -- Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with 'Yiddishisms'. -- Frisbeetarianism (n.),

This joke may seem racist to some. I just wanted to warn you of this before you read it. Sally - Where does a baby go after he or she has passed away? Joe - I don't know. Sally - To heaven. What does the baby get after he or she arrives in heaven? Joe - I don't know. Sally - Wings. What is the baby called? Joe - I don't know. Sally - An Angel. Where does a black baby go after he or she has passed away? Joe - I don't know. Sally - To heaven. What does the baby get after he or she arrives in heaven? Joe - I don't know. Sally - Wings. What is the baby called? Joe - A bat!

A man walks into a dentist's and says, "Can you help me? I think I'm a moth." The dentist says, "You need a psychiatrist, mate." The man says, "Yes, I know." The dentist replies, "Well, why have you come in here?" "Your light was on!"

What's the difference between MJ and a grocery bag? One is white, made of plastic, dangerous for children to play with, and the other one holds groceries! Why does MJ like Wal-Mart? Because they have boys' pants half off! What time is bedtime in Neverland? When the big hand touches the little hand! And now, for the grand finale: What is brown and in little boys' pants? MJ's hand!

A woman just got a new job and her co-workers told her her first assignment: to fire the janitor, Don. The woman was very nervous about doing this, so she decided to get it over with fast. She marched up with her head down and said to the man, "I'm sorry, but you're fired!" Her co-workers who were watching suddenly started laughing out loud. She looked at the man she fired and he said, "I don't think you have the right to fire you boss!!!"

An editor is someone who has earned enough points to "unlock" certain features of the website. Editors have certain degrees of ability to modify the jokes on this website. Here is a list of the requirements and privileges given to those who meet the requirements. You do not need to ask to become an editor. If you meet the requirements you automatically have those privileges.(Note: You may not get those privileges if you exhibit bad behavior toward the website.) Level 0: (100 Points) You can report and verify duplicate jokes. Level 1: (500 Points) You can suggest and verify corrections to jokes in order to improve spelling, grammar and other errors. Level 2: (1000 Points) Your votes on jok

Martin had just received his brand new driver's license. The family troops out to the driveway, and climbs in the car, where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver. "I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," says the beaming boy to his father. "Nope," comes dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years."

George W. Bush.... that's it

A man is strolling past the mental hospital and suddenly remembers an important meeting. Unfortunately, his watch has stopped, and he cannot tell if he is late or not. Then, he notices a patient similarly strolling about within the hospital fence. Calling out to the patient, the man says, "Pardon me, sir, but do you have the time?" The patient calls back, "One moment!" and throws himself upon the ground, pulling out a short stick as he does. He pushes the stick into the ground, and, pulling out a carpenter's level, assures himself that the stick is vertical. With a compass, the patient locates north, and with a steel ruler, measures the precise length of the shadow cast by the stick. Wi

Little Willy was a chemist; Little Willy is no more - For what he thought was H2O, Was H2SO4. Little Willy played with dynamite, Couldn't understand it quite. Curiosity never pays, It rained Willy seven days.