There was this biologist who was doing some experiments with frogs. He was measuring just how far frogs could jump. So he puts a frog on a line and says "Jump frog, jump!". The frog jumps 2 feet. He writes in his lab book: 'Frog with 4 legs - jumps 2 feet'. Next he chops off one of the legs and repeats the experiment. "Jump frog jump!" he says. The frog manages to jump 1.5 feet. So he writes in his lab book: 'Frog with 3 legs - jumps 1.5 feet'. He chops off another and the frog only jumps 1 foot. He writes in his book: 'Frog with 2 legs jumps 1 foot'. He continues and removes yet another leg. " Jump frog jump!" and the frog somehow jumps a half of a foot. So he writes in his lab book a

Seems there was a young soldier, who, just before battle, told his sergeant that he didn't have a rifle. "That's no problem, son," said the sergeant. "Here, take this broom. Just point it at the Germans, and go 'Bangety Bang Bang'." "But what about a bayonet, Sarge?" asked the young (and gullible) recruit. The sergeant pulls a piece of straw from the end of the broom, and attaches it to the handle end. "Here, use this... just go, 'Stabity Stab Stab'." The recruit ends up alone on the battlefield, holding just his broom. Suddenly, a German soldier charges at him. The recruit points the broom, "Bangety Bang Bang!" The German falls dead. More Germans appear. The recruit, amazed at his

"Rusty Bed Spings" by I.P Nitely "Fell off a Cliff" By Ilene Dover "Bounce of a Brick Wall" by Rick O'Shey "Mini Skirts" by Seymour Buttz "Race to the Outhouse" By Willie Makit" and last but not least "Guide to One Night Stands" by Juan Teboneya"

As an insult you could say "You know, most of you weight comes from all that make-up your wearing!"

Why are they called old sayings? Are they really old? If someone came up with a new one, would it be a new saying? "A penny saved is a penny earned." Who cares about a penny? A more appropriate version would be, "A penny saved is absolutely worthless. Try a quarter next time." "An apple a day keeps the doctor away." Why? What if apples went extinct? What would happen then? What if you were allergic to them? What if your dad was a doctor? Would that keep him away? "Ignorance is bliss." I though bliss was a GOOD thing... "Don't count your chickens before they are hatched." But you can't! Before they are hatched, they'd be EGGS. "Ask no questions and hear no lies." But what if they tell th

Q:How many egotists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A:Just one. He holds up the lightbulb while the rest of the world revolves around him.

What's the difference between a sock and a camera? One takes five toes and one takes photos.

-- Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs. -- Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained. -- Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach. -- Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk. -- Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown. -- Lymph (v.), to walk with a limp. -- Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash. -- Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller. -- Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline. -- Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with 'Yiddishisms'. -- Frisbeetarianism (n.),

Okay sooo.. I kinda stumbled across this "word" when I was actually at the sprint store with my x-boyfriend. He was talking about how he needed to get unlimited text messaging and I looked over with a very concerned look on my face and said, "Yardy Yar!" I believe everyone in the store was hysterical and looked at me as if I was some crazy redneck - it was hilarious. If you don't get it, it is supposed to sound like - "You already are." It's actually pretty dang funny if you say it out loud!! haha

This joke may seem racist to some. I just wanted to warn you of this before you read it. Sally - Where does a baby go after he or she has passed away? Joe - I don't know. Sally - To heaven. What does the baby get after he or she arrives in heaven? Joe - I don't know. Sally - Wings. What is the baby called? Joe - I don't know. Sally - An Angel. Where does a black baby go after he or she has passed away? Joe - I don't know. Sally - To heaven. What does the baby get after he or she arrives in heaven? Joe - I don't know. Sally - Wings. What is the baby called? Joe - A bat!

A man walks into a dentist's and says, "Can you help me? I think I'm a moth." The dentist says, "You need a psychiatrist, mate." The man says, "Yes, I know." The dentist replies, "Well, why have you come in here?" "Your light was on!"

1. Wake up and stumble in the room 40 minutes late. 2. Blame all of the problems in America on 9/11 and Iraq. 3. Pronounce "nuclear" right. 4. Publish my dog's sequel. 5. Show off my awesome golf shot. Hey, I counted to five!