"Doctor doctor! I feel like a pack of cards!" "I'll deal with you later!"

How many rich people does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. They hire people to do it for them.

Two guys decided to go buy two pigs. So after they bought them they wanted to know which one was who's. So they went to the barn but when they got there the two pigs were fighting. After they broke them up one pig was missing a ear. So one guy said, "What are we going to do now?" So after they thought about it for a while they went back to the barn. When they got there the pigs were fighting again. After they broke them up one pig was missing a tail. So the guy said, ''What now?'' After they thought about it for a while they went back to the barn. The pigs were fighting again. After they broke them up one pig was missing a leg. So the guy said, ''What now?'' The other guy said, "FUCK IT!

There once was an American Indian whose given name was "OneStone". He was so named because he had only one testicle. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him OneStone. After years and years of torment, OneStone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me OneStone again, I will kill them!" Word quickly spread and nobody called him that any more. Then one day a young woman named BlueBird forgot and said, "Good morning, OneStone." He jumped up, grabbed her, and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. Then he made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion. Word got around that OneStone meant what he promised he wou

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement. Noticing this, a policeman stops her. "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag..." "Damn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!" "Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money?" "Did you steal it?" "Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium.Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes

A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse. His buddy asks, "How will I recognize him?" "That's easy, he's a midget with a speech impediment." So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse. "A female horth." So he shows him a prized filly. "Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth"? So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over. "Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?" So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears. "Nith earzth, can I thee her mouf?" The rancher is gettin' pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and show

1 What do you get when you cross a blonde and a gorilla? Who knows, there is only so much a gorilla can be forced to do. 2 Why does a blonde only change her baby's diapers every month? Because it says on it "good for up to 20 pounds." 3 Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months? Because on the box it said From 2-4 years. 4 What do you say to a blonde with no arms and no legs? "Nice boobs!" 5 How does a blonde high-5? She smacks herself in the forehead.

What do scientists use to freshen their breath? Experi-mints

A shoplifter was caught red-handed trying to steal a watch from an exclusive jewelry store. "Listen," said the shoplifter, "I know you don't want any trouble either. What do you say I just buy the watch, and we forget about this?" The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip. The crook looked at the slip and said, "This is a little more than I intended to spend. Can you show me something less expensive?"

There was this biologist who was doing some experiments with frogs. He was measuring just how far frogs could jump. So he puts a frog on a line and says "Jump frog, jump!". The frog jumps 2 feet. He writes in his lab book: 'Frog with 4 legs - jumps 2 feet'. Next he chops off one of the legs and repeats the experiment. "Jump frog jump!" he says. The frog manages to jump 1.5 feet. So he writes in his lab book: 'Frog with 3 legs - jumps 1.5 feet'. He chops off another and the frog only jumps 1 foot. He writes in his book: 'Frog with 2 legs jumps 1 foot'. He continues and removes yet another leg. " Jump frog jump!" and the frog somehow jumps a half of a foot. So he writes in his lab book a

Seems there was a young soldier, who, just before battle, told his sergeant that he didn't have a rifle. "That's no problem, son," said the sergeant. "Here, take this broom. Just point it at the Germans, and go 'Bangety Bang Bang'." "But what about a bayonet, Sarge?" asked the young (and gullible) recruit. The sergeant pulls a piece of straw from the end of the broom, and attaches it to the handle end. "Here, use this... just go, 'Stabity Stab Stab'." The recruit ends up alone on the battlefield, holding just his broom. Suddenly, a German soldier charges at him. The recruit points the broom, "Bangety Bang Bang!" The German falls dead. More Germans appear. The recruit, amazed at his

"Rusty Bed Spings" by I.P Nitely "Fell off a Cliff" By Ilene Dover "Bounce of a Brick Wall" by Rick O'Shey "Mini Skirts" by Seymour Buttz "Race to the Outhouse" By Willie Makit" and last but not least "Guide to One Night Stands" by Juan Teboneya"