What crackers do firemen like in their soup? Firecrackers!

Yo mama's so short, she had 2 cuff her panties.

A man sat in his attorney's office. "Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" the lawyer asked. "Give me the bad news first." "Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars." "That's the bad news?" asked the man, incredulously. "I can't wait to hear the terrible news." "The terrible news is that it's of you and your secretary."

Dear Abby: My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Since he lost his job five years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does is buy cigars and cruise around and bullshit with his pals, while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me and hints that I am a lesbian. What should I do? Signed, Clueless Dear Clueless: Grow up and dump him. For Pete's sake, you don't need him any more. You're a United States Senator from New York. Act like it!

Why do lawyers always wear a tie? To keep back the foreskin.

Q) How many blondes does it take to make chocolate chip cookies? A) 25! One to mix the batter and 24 to peel the m&m's.

You are a redneck if: you've ever dislodged a sunflower seed from the corner of your eye.

Job Interview Quotations: Vice Presidents and personnel directors of the one hundred largest corporations were asked to describe their most unusual experience interviewing prospective employees. A job applicant challenged the interviewer to an arm wrestle. An interviewee wore a Walkman, explaining that she could listen to the interviewer and the music at the same time. A candidate fell and broke arm during interview. A candidate announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewers office. A candidate explained that one of her long-term goals was to replace the interviewer. A candidate said he never finished high school because he w

You are a redneck if: You've ever carved a gunstock out of a bedpost.

100,000 Sperm And You Were The Fastest?

yo momma is so old --- she knew Burger King when he was a prince! yo momma is so poor --- I saw her banging on the dumpster and I asked her what she was doing and she said "My kids locked me out!"

"Doctor doctor! I feel like a pack of cards!" "I'll deal with you later!"