Does it seem strange to you that the Olympics, the oldest and most famous sporting event, is the one televised event that the competitors don't get cash. In fact, if you have ever made any money at all of your sport, you are disqualified. Its like, you win a gold medal and your like "So, what's my reward?" and they're like "this nice shiny medal." "you mean I don't get any money at all?" "no we frown upon that." "so I wasted a week of my life for nothing?" "but you get this shiny medal" "but-" "SHINY!" I tell you that medal would be on e-bay so fast. And did you ever notice how they have a count of what countries have the most medals? The U.S. always wins but then again, we're like 49 countr

A teenage girl had just been given family-car privileges, when she returned home very late from a party. The next morning her father went out to the driveway to get the newspaper and came back into the house frowning. At 11:30am the girl sleepily walked into the kitchen, and her father asked her, "What time did you get in last night?" "Not too late, Dad," she replied nervously. Dead-pan, her father said, "Then I'll have to talk with the paperboy about putting my paper under the front wheel of the car."

How can you use a banana as a compass? Place a banana on the Berlin Wall. East is where a bite has been taken out of it.

One early winter morning, Rabbi Bloom was walking beside the canal when he saw a dog in the water, trying hard to stay afloat. It looked so sad and exhausted that Rabbi Bloom jumped in, and after a struggle, managed to bring it out alive. A passer-by who saw this remarked, "That was very brave of you! You must love animals; are you a vet?" Rabbi Bloom replied, "And vhat did you expect? Of course I'm a–vet! I'm a–freezing cold as vell!"

A rabbi once asked his old friend, a priest, "Could you ever be promoted within your Church?" The priest says, thoughtfully, "Well, I could become a bishop." The rabbi persists, "And after that?" With a pause for consideration, the priest replies, "Maybe I could be a cardinal, even." "And then?" After thinking for some time, the priest responds, "Someday I may even rise to be the Pope." But the rabbi is still not satisfied. "And then?" With an air of incredulity, the priest cries, "What more could I become? God Himself?" The rabbi says quietly, "One of our boys made it."

In a restaurant: ― Why are the meatballs of cubic shape? ― Perestroika! (restructuring) ― Why are they undercooked? ― Uskoreniye! (acceleration) ― Why are they bitten? ― Gospriyomka (state approval) ― Why are you telling me all this so brazenly? ― Glasnost! (openness)

At a local college dance in Sweden, an American asked a local girl to dance. While they were dancing, he gave her a little squeeze, and whispered, "In America, we call this a hug." She replied, "Yaah, in Sveden ve call dis a hug, too." A little later, he gave her a peck on the cheek. "In America, we call this a kiss." She replied, "Yaah, in Sveden ve call dis a kiss, too." A few drinks later, they moved out to the campus lawn and had sex. "In America," he told her, "we call this a grass sandwich." She replied, "Yaaah, in Sveden ve call dis a grass sandwich, too, but ve put more meat in it!"

Q: Why did the witch buy a computer? A: She needed the spellcheck

Did you hear about the blonde that... Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope. Got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said "2 to 4 years" Couldn't call 911 because there was no 11 on any phone button. When asked what the capital of California was; answered "C". Baked a turkey for 3 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 125. After losing in a breaststroke swimming competition, complained that the other swimmers were using their arms.

Have you heard about the sauna that serves food? Their specialty is steamed mussels.

What do you call a blonde behind a steering wheel? An Air-Bag

Did you hear about the new Polish million dollar lotery? You get a dollar a year for a million years!!!