An elderly man called 911 and said he thought his wife might be dead. Operator: "MIGHT be dead? Sir, can't you tell if she is dead?" Man: "I'm not quite sure." Operator: "Well, what makes you THINK that she could be dead?" Man: "Well, the sex is the same, but the dishes are beginning to pile up in the sink."

Smart-ass Answer #1 A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat ...she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub." Smart-ass Answer #2 A truck driver was driving along on! the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, "Low bridge ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver sa

"Everything that can be invented has been invented." - Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899.

Once there was a man named John Odd. He hated his last name. Since he was little people would make fun of him calling him "the odd man out." He grew older and fell in love with a girl named Julie. They soon got married and people immediately started calling them "the odd couple." John was enraged by this. He decided that he should have a talk with his wife. "I hate my last name! My whole life people have made fun of it. Just recently I realized that people that don't even know me are going to see my tombstone in a grave yard and laugh about it! I want you to promise me that when I die you'll leave my tombstone blank. I want to have more respect than that." "Okay honey. Whatever you want

There was a question in our company newsletter asking about whether they could water the flowers in the bathroom since they were looking wilted and sick. The response was, "The flowers are artificial." [Editor's note: Evidently some employees created a rest room gas cloud powerful enough to wilt artificial plants. You have to admire that on some level]

What's a specimen? An Italian astronaut!

Many will recall that on July 8, 1947, witnesses claimed that an Unidentified object with five aliens aboard crashed onto a sheep and cattle ranch just outside Roswell, New Mexico. This is a well-known incident that many say has long been covered up by the US Air Force and the federal government. However, you may NOT know that in the month of March 1948, exactly nine months after that historic day, Albert Arnold Gore, Jr., Hillary Rodham, John F Kerry, William Jefferson Clinton, Howard Dean, Nancy Pelosi, Dianne Feinstein, Charles E Schumer, and Barbara Boxer were born. See what happens when aliens breed with sheep? This piece of information may clear up a lot of things.

The song, "Yankee Doodle" was originally sung by British soldiers to insult the colonialists (which was typical of the British in those days). The Continental Army took to singing it to annoy the British (which was typical of the colonialists).

A lawyer calls his client to tell him about his fee schedule. "Alright," the lawyer says, looking through his papers. "You owe me $1000 down and $417.58 cents each month for the next thirty-six months." "What? That sounds like a car payment schedule," retorted the client. "You're right. It's mine."

Lipstick; (noun) On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear!

President Bush toured parts of Missouri that were devastated by a recent tornado. There was one awkward moment, when the President looked at the tornado damage and said, "Don't worry, we're going to get whoever did this."

1. With a little effort, you could pull the bags under your eyes over your head. 2. When the professor calls out your name during attendance, you rhythmically cry out "In da' house!" 3. Your dirty laundry has become the closest thing to wall-to-wall carpeting. 4. Every study group you join gets fed up with your need to take a break for techno and grinding. 5. All your stories begin with, "I was so wasted..." 6. Your Native American name would've been "Man of Running Body Fluids." 7. You refer to sunlight as a "that bright shit." 8. You look forward to the weekdays as a time to relax. 9. Whenever you see a blinking "Do Not Walk" sign, you think how great it would look if you were on ecstas