Two mates calles mik and mak went to the Australia vs England game. It was mik`s birthday, and mik gave mak a ride and mak took mik`s birthday present with him.He went to get it while mik wached the 4th over. Mak said to mik i`ve got some bad news for you buddy. Your car was actually a car bomb and blew up...but mik interupted by saying Well makky, mate I`ve got some bad news for you. what? mak asked. Ricky ponting`s out,he replied

Yo momma is so stupid, she got locked in McDonalds, and lost 300 pounds.

Great Thinkers of Our Time? Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever." -- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff." -- Mariah Carey "Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similari

During the final days at Denver's old Stapleton airport, a crowded United flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS." The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I''ll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we''ll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?" Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public addre

A man walks into a bar and has a drink. Then he hears a tiny voice say, "You are so handsome." He looks to see who said that but finds no one. So he drinks again. Then he hears a tiny voice say, "You are so smart and kind." He looks around again and doesn't find anyone. He asks the bartender whats going on. The bartender says, "O that, that's the peanuts. They're complimentary."

A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table. "What are you doin?" his mother asked; "you can't eat them if the seal is broken." The boy explained, "I'm looking for the seal."

Yo mama is so fat, when she stepped on the scale she screwed it to the bottom of the floor.

A police officer pulled over a driver and informed him that because he was wearing his seat belt, he had just won $5,000 in a safety competition. "What are you going to do with the prize money?" the officer asked. The man responded, "I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license." At that moment, his wife, who was seated next to him, chimed in, "Officer, don't listen to him. He's a smart aleck when he's drunk." This woke up the guy in the back seat, who, when he saw the cop, blurted out, "I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car." At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice asked, "Are we over the border yet?"

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and rela

Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 10-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities. The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said. "An ambulance just drove by." A few moments passed. "Looks like the Anderson's have company," he called out. "Matt`s riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex." Mom and dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked. "Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.

Q. Why do blondes wear panties? A. To keep their ankles warm!!

A guy is stranded on a desert island all alone for ten years. One day he sees a speck on the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and she says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" "Ten years!" he says. She reaches over, unzips this waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!" Then she asked, "How long has