This guy is walking along a dirt road when he stumbles upon a redneck lying on the ground with his ear in the dirt. "Are you alright? What are you doing?" the man asks but gets no answer at all. The redneck doesn't even acknowledge that he is there. So after a while of silence the man asks again, "Can I help you sir?" The redneck replies this time. "Ford pick-up truck, blue, 18 inch rims, two passengers, female driver." "Wow! You can tell all that by listening to the ground!" the man says. "NO" The redneck replies with a shocked look on his face "The bitch ran over me 10 minutes ago!"

Early in the morning, Honecker arrives at his office and opens his window. He sees the sun and says: "Good morning, dear Sun!" The sun replies: "Good morning, dear Erich!" Honecker works, and then at noon he heads to the window and says: "Good day, dear Sun!" The sun replies: "Good day, dear Erich!" In the evening, Erich calls it a day, and heads once more to the window, and says: "Good evening, dear Sun!" The sun is silent. Honecker says again: "Good evening, dear Sun! What's the matter?" The sun replies: "Kiss my ass. I'm in the West now."

Dear John, I hope you can help me. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching TV. My car stalled and then it broke down about a mile down the road and I had to walk back to get my husband's help. When I got home, I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbour's daughter! I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbour's daughter is 19. We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. He won't go to counselling and I'm afraid I am a wreck and need advice urgently. Can you please help? Sincerely, Sheila John's reply... Dear Sheila,

A man goes to a restaurant and orders a chicken dish. By the time the food is ready and he is about to eat, the waiter comes back and says, "Sir, I'm afraid there has been a mistake. You see, that police officer who is sitting at the next table is a regular customer of ours and he usually orders the same dish. The problem is, this is the last chicken in the house. I'm afraid I'll have to take this dish to him and arrange for another dish for you!" The guy gets really upset and refuses to give up his food. The waiter walks over to the other table and explains the situation to the officer. A few minutes later the officer walks over to the man's table and says, "Listen and listen good. That i

A brunette, a redhead and a blonde all apply for the same job. The manager says, "I can only hire one of you so I'm going to ask you each a question and whoever answers it correctly gets the job." He takes the brunette into the room and asks her, "How many D's in Indiana Jones?" She replies, "One." He brings the redhead into the room and asks her the same question. She thinks for a moment and says, "One." He then brings the blonde into the room and asks her the same question; "How many D's in Indiana Jones?" She thinks for a little. She counts on her fingers, counts on her toes, wiggles her ears, sticks out her tongue and finally comes up with, "Thirty Six." The rest of them ask her, "Ho

Yo mama is so stupid she couldn't even pass a blood test.

A man goes into a shoe store and asks to try on a pair of shoes. They were a bit snug. "Well, they feel a bit tight," says the man. The salesman bends down and feels around. He suggests pulling the tongue out, then asks, "How do they feel now?" "Well, dey shtill feel a bit thight"

Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye went to study at an English university and was living in the hall of residence with all the other students there. After he had been there a month, his mother came to visit him. "And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked. "Mother," he replied,"they're such terrible, noisy people. The one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won't stop. The one on the other side screams and screams all night." "Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbors?" "Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here quietly, playing my bagpipes."

Oscar drove his brand new Mercedes car to his favorite sporting goods store. He parked it outside and went in to do a little perusing with Jan, his regular sales woman. Jan was a pretty blonde, and as Oscar walked into the store, she happily greeted him. But he requested to look around alone today before he needed her help. She obliged and let him do his thing. Five minutes later, Jan came running up to him yelling, "Oscar! Oscar! I just saw someone driving off with your new Mercedes!" "Dear God! Did you try to stop him?" "No," she said, "I did better than that! I got the license plate number!"

There's a blonde and a brunette working for a painting company. They need to paint the yellow lines on a road by hand for the city since the trucks are broken. The first day the blonde paints 5.4 miles of road, the brunette paints 6 miles of road. The second day the blonde paints 4.1 miles of road, the brunette paints 6.7 miles of road. The third day the blonde paints 2.9 miles of road, the brunette paints 6.9 miles of road. Worried about the blonde, the supervisor goes to the blonde and asks why she is painting less and less road each day. She replies, "The bucket just keeps getting further and further away."

A blonde is on the road when suddenly she gets a phonecall from her friend: "Watch out! I heard on the radio that some lunatic is going against traffic!" So the blonde says, "Only one? They all are!"

Three couples went to a resturant. The women wanted to compliment the men with something that was on the table. "Could you pass me the sugar, sugar?" said the first gal. "Could you pass me the honey, honey?" said the second. "Could you pass me the bacon, pig?" said the third.