Popular Jokes
God went to the Arabs and said, "I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better."
And the Arabs asked, "What are Commandments?"
And the Lord said, "They are rules for living."
"Can you give us an example?"
"Thou shalt not kill."
"Not kill? We're not interested."
So he went to the Blacks and said, "I have Commandments."
And the Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said, "Honor thy Father and Mother."
"Father? We don't know who our fathers are."
So He went to the Mexicans and said, "I have Commandments."
And the Mexicans wanted an example, and the Lord said, "Thou shalt not steal."
"Not steal? We're not interested."
He went to the French and said, "I hav
Junk- something you keep for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
A man is strolling past the mental hospital and suddenly remembers an important meeting.
Unfortunately, his watch has stopped, and he cannot tell if he is late or not. Then, he notices a patient similarly strolling about within the hospital fence.
Calling out to the patient, the man says, "Pardon me, sir, but do you have the time?"
The patient calls back, "One moment!" and throws himself upon the ground, pulling out a short stick as he does. He pushes the stick into the ground, and, pulling out a carpenter's level, assures himself that the stick is vertical.
With a compass, the patient locates north, and with a steel ruler, measures the precise length of the shadow cast by the stick.
Wi
Husband walks into his house with a chicken under his arm and says "Honey I want you to meet the pig I've been fucking."
Wife looks at him and says "dear, that's a chicken not a pig!"
Husband says "Shut up bitch I wasn't talking to you!"
My wife and I are both the youngest child. Combine that with our own experience as parents and we often satirically talk about how things change as you have more children:
The First Step
First child: My wife grabbed the camera; I grabbed the video camera. My wife took four rolls of film. We immediately ran out to the one-hour developing place and had all four rolls developed with double prints. We had the best picture blown up to 24" x 36" and framed. We hung it up in the entry hall. I had a professional studio turn the four hours of video I taped into a one-hour documentary complete with voice-over by a local anchor-man.
Second child: We took one roll of film and five minutes worth of v
Microsoft's new "Cool User" Program
REDMOND, WASHINGTON - In order to calm growing impatience among PC users concerning the repeated delays of its new Windows 95 operating system, Microsoft Corporation announced what it cal ls the "Cool User Program for Windows 95." To participate in this offer, a user pays US$10,000 at which time he or she will be placed in a cryogenic suspension. The user will then remain in a state of hibernation until about a week before the Windows 95 ship date.
"We expect that the users will need a few days to recuperate and acquaint themselves with the changes that will occur in society between the onset of cold sleep and the release of Windows 95," explained a Micr
One day a man having conversation with God, when his whole life flashed before his eyes as a series of footsteps on the sands of time.
He saw that there were two pairs of footprints, but during the most difficult periods of his life there was only one set of footprints.
He asked God, "You said you will be with me throughout this journey, but why have you deserted me during the most critical times of my life?"
God replied, "Son, I did not desert you, I was always with you. You see only one set of footprints because, during those difficult times in your life, I was carrying you."
Two blondes are racing down a bumpy back road in a car down to a bank they're going to rob.
"Drive slower" pleads the blonde in the passenger seat, "I don't want all the nitro in the boot to explode."
"Relax," the driver replies, "even if it did, I've got a spare box under the seat . . . "
A man goes to the store with a list of things he needs to buy for his wife, and as he is going in he sees a child with free kittens.
He continues and buys the things on the list.
On the way out he sees the free kittens again and no-one has taken any.
So he takes his things to his car, comes backs and takes the SIX kittens that are left.
He goes home brings in the groceries and then the six kittens. when his wife sees the six kittens she says "Why do you have six kittens, six kittens!"
Husband calmly replys, "Six kittens hell, those are six pale bearers for your dead pussy!"
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