Popular Jokes
...I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.
...I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.
...I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.
...I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.
...I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.
...I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable, regardless of the amount of time given.
...I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though infinitesimally small, is not exactly
A guy goes into a bar and orders a beer, He drinks it, and 5 minutes later orders another. This goes on for 2 hours straight, the guy ordering a beer every 5 minutes or so. After 2 hours the guy has had 24 beers and is pretty drunk.
The bartender looks at the guy and says, "How did you do that/"
The guy responds, "It's no problem. You just chug 'em back."
Bartender; "Not the drinking part, I mean how did you drink 24 beers without going to the bathroom?"
The guy says, "Depends"
What math term tells what acorns say when they are a tree???
Geometry!!
(Geo-m-e-try)
(Gee I'm a tree)
1. We are always clean.
2. We are totally comfortable saying, "I'll show you my breast if you show me your fly."
3. Bathing suits. Need I say more?
4. We WILL last the longest.
5. We know several different paces.
6. We LiKE it wet.
7. We will never hesitate to get on our backs.
8. We're good with our hips.
9. We never have any extra "baggage" in places where there isn't supposed to be any.
10. Not only do we put on latex fast and easy, but we go through enough of it in one year to cover our wallpaper with it.
11. We aren't always looking to "score" like all other athletes.
12. We don't "play games."
13. We go in hard, pull out fast, and come out wet.
14. We won't give up when we're tired.
15
Shortly after the 911 emergency number became available, an elderly and quite ill lady appeared in a hospital emergency room, having driven herself to the hospital and barely managing to stagger in from the parking lot.
The horrified nurse said, "Why didn't you call the 911 number and get an ambulance?"
The lady said, "My phone doesn't have an eleven."
A poor homeless man had 3 bananas; he had stolen one from a first grader, one from a fruit vendor, and the other was given to him by a humble old lady.
Along with the banana, the humble old lady gave him bus fare, partly because she wanted him to leave, and partly because she felt sorry for him.
The man jumped at the thought - he was going on a bus ride, something he hadn't done in a long time. He put one banana on either side of his torn and tatty pants, and the other banana in the back of his pants.
He waited at the bus station, and waited, and waited, until finally a bus came, and he climbed on.
It was one of those crowded buses, one with not much room to even sneeze.
The bus driver
"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons." - Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949.
"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers." - Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943
"I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year." - The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957
"But what ... is it good for?" - Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.
"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home." - Ken Olson, president, chairman
Once there was a man named John Odd. He hated his last name. Since he was little people would make fun of him calling him "the odd man out."
He grew older and fell in love with a girl named Julie. They soon got married and people immediately started calling them "the odd couple."
John was enraged by this. He decided that he should have a talk with his wife.
"I hate my last name! My whole life people have made fun of it. Just recently I realized that people that don't even know me are going to see my tombstone in a grave yard and laugh about it! I want you to promise me that when I die you'll leave my tombstone blank. I want to have more respect than that."
"Okay honey. Whatever you want
Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best lay in town."
Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him and the drunk wanders off and stands at the far end of the bar.
Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points to the same guy, and says, "I just screwed your mom, and it was swe-e-et!"
Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk wanders off.
Ten minutes later he comes back and announces, "Your mom even let me..."
Finally the guy interrupts: "Go home Dad, you're drunk!"
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