Popular Jokes
A simple friend, when visiting, acts like a guest.
A real friend opens your refrigerator and helps himself.
A simple friend has never seen you cry.
A real friend has shoulders soggy from your tears.
A simple friend doesn't know your parents' first names.
A real friend has their phone numbers in his address book.
A simple friend brings a bottle of wine to your party. A real friend comes early to help you cook and stays late to help you clean.
A simple friend hates it when you call after he has gone to bed.
A real friend asks you why you took so long to call.
A simple friend seeks to talk with you about your problems.
A real friend seeks to help you with your problems.
A simple
Little Timmy always sat in the front pew of the church and gave a hand full of change when the collection basket passed. One Sunday the pastor noticed that Timmy started to put his change in the collection basket but decided to put his money in his pocket instead.
After service, Little Timmy rushed up to the pastor and wanted to hand him the handful of change, but the pastor proceeds to tell Timmy that he did not need the money and that he should put it in the basket instead. Little Timmy replies, "Oh no, father, you need it more than anyone else does, because my daddy says that you're the poorest pastor we ever had."
Why are there no phone books in China?
Because there are so many Wing's and Wong's, they are afraid you will Wing the Wong number.
I know this isn't really a joke but I thought it was so funny that I wanted to share it with everyone...
1. In the company of feminists, intercourse should be referred to as:
a) Lovemaking
b) Screwing
c) The pigskin bus pulling into tuna town
2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:
a) Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
b) Your blood-test results
c) Five tequila slammers
3. You time your orgasm so that:
a) Your partner climaxes first
b) You both climax simultaneously
c) You don't miss SportsCenter
4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
a) Healthy, creative love-play
b) Not the sort of thing your wife/g
Some race horses are staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. "In the last 15 races, I've won 8 of them!"
Another horse breaks in, "Well, in the last 27 races, I've won 19!"
"Oh, that's good, but in the last 36 races, I've won 28!" says another, flicking his tail.
At this point, they notice that a greyhound has been sitting there, listening. "I don't mean to boast," says the greyhound, "but in my last 90 races, I've won 88 of them!"
The horses are clearly amazed.
"Wow!" says one, after a hushed silence. "A talking dog."
One day, 2 blondes walked into a tanning salon. One blonde said, "A tan for 2 please!"
The cashier said, "Ok," filled out a form for them and asked, "are you two sisters?"
They chuckled and replied, "No, we aren't even Catholic."
"Well, what have we here...?"
He has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue.
"Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we...?"
I'm stalling for time.
"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."
I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.
"Let me check your medical history."
I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending anymore time with you.
"Well, now, we have some good news and some bad news."
The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you're going to pay for it.
"This should be taken care of right away."
I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before i
One day, a little boy came up to a man at the park.
The boy asked the man, "Why do you have a big nose?"
The man answered, "Because...I have big fingers."
An architect, an artist and an accountant were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.
The accountant said, "I like both."
"Both?"
The accountant replied "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the office and get some work done."
Home
