Popular Jokes
How many blondes does it take to put in a light bulb? 1000. 1 to screw in the light bulb; 1 to give the light bulb to the person who'll screw in a light bulb and 998 to find the light bulb.
Trousers: Hot off the press .
. . . / - - -
I regret writing that.
Remorse Code
Does anyone here have a giant catapult?
No? It was a long shot..
Saw two space hoppers outside a nightclub.
I said: 'Who are you?'
They said: 'We're the bouncers'
I had a TV Show about trees.
But it got axed.
What do you get if you cross a human with a dog?
Arrested.
I can speak to kettles.
Because I'm boilingual.
Saw an artist dressed all in black.
It was Vincent Van Goth.
Hotel receptionists are bit inappropriate, aren't they?
They all just sit there, checking people out.
My girlfriend said: "Why do you always lie?"
I said: "Because it's easier than standing up"
I think I got a phone-call about the
(A teen approaches my cash register very slowly.)
Me: "Can I help you?"
Customer: "Gimme all the f***ing medicine!"
(The teen pulls out an airsoft pistol with orange tip still glued to the front.)
Me: "The pharmacy is in the back of the store."
Customer: "Oh...okay."
(He holsters the air-soft gun in his belt and darts down the aisles to the back of the store. My manager comes out of the back room because of the commotion.)
Manager: "Who was that?"
Me: "Some kid looking for drugs. He went back to the pharmacy."
Manager: "Why didn't you call the police?"
(The teen runs screaming from the back of the store out of the front door followed closely by the pharmacy technician, a 35 year ol
A blonde wanted to sell her car but failed many times. Even though the car looked pratically new it had over 400 000 miles on it. So she goes to a bar and theres a brunette sitting a few barstools away and she's wearing mechanic's overalls. They start talking and the blonde tells the brunette her problems. The brunette feels sorry for her.
The brunette says, "Well I'm a mechanic. I can help you sell your car but it's not legal."
The blonde says she'll do whatever it takes.
The brunette says, "Well I can change your odometer back to 40 000 miles and it'll be easier to sell."
The blonde agrees and gives the brunette her keys.
So the brunette takes the car back to her garage and sets back the c
A man and his wife are in bed getting hot and heavy when the wife just pushes him away and says, "No, actually I don't feel like sex tonight. Could you just hold me?"
The man very mad says, "What?! Why the hell can't we have sex??"
The woman replies, "This is so typical, you have no idea what it's like to be a women! You just don't understand me!" And she turns over and goes to sleep.
The next day the man tells his wife he is so sorry and to make up for his mistakes they are going to the mall.
So the man takes her to the clothing department of a very expensive store and has her try on outfits. She can't decide which one she likes, so the man tells her to take them all. She jumps up and do
A groom and his bride are standing at the alter when the woman looks at her prospective husband
and sees he has a set of golf clubs.
"What on earth are you doing with those golf clubs in church?" she whispers.
"Well," he replies, "this won't take all afternoon, will it?"
10. Conversations often begin with "Put the gun down, and then we can talk."
9. The school principal has your number on speed-dial.
8. The cat is on Valium.
7. People have trouble understanding your kids, because they learned to speak through clenched teeth.
6. You are trying to get your four-year-old to switch to decaffeinated.
5. The number of jobs held down by family members exceeds the number of people in the family.
4. No one has time to wait for microwave TV dinners.
3. "Family meetings" are often mediated by law enforcement officials.
2. You have to check your kid's day-timer to see if he can take out the trash.
1. Maxwell House gives you industrial rates.
Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of his church. The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went.
The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle-aged and the final couple was newlywed.
Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The retired couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem. The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint.
"Can of PAINT!" exclaimed the minister.
"Yeah," said the newlywed man. "She dropped the can and when she bent over to
A blonde and a brunette decided to rob a bank. They quickly devised a good plan and they put their plan to action.
The brunette drove up to the front of the bank that they had decided to rob. She turned to the blonde and asked her, "Now, do you remember what the plan is?" The blonde sighed and replied, "Yeah, yeah, I remember..." The brunette went over the plan once more and let the blonde out to do her stuff.
Before the blonde could shut the door, the brunette yelled out, "Be sure to be in and out in no more than 5 minutes!" The blonde ran inside and the brunette waited in the car... and waited... and waited... and waited... and waited. After waiting for so long in the car, the blonde bu
On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One
day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking,
"What time is it?"
The tower responded, "Who is calling?"
The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"
The tower replied "It makes a lot of difference. If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon and 120 minutes to "Happy Hour".
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