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A student on a class trip to the natural-history museum asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?" The guard tells him, "Three-million-four years and six months old." The student says. "How do you know that so precisely?" The guard says, "Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago."

There were two bulls, a young one named George and an old one named Sam. It was that time of year to satisfy the local female population, and young George was pretty excited. "Sam, Sam, can I go down to those heifers over there?" asked George. "George, relax. Here is how it works. We'll wait until they're lined up at the feed trough so we can have our way with the ladies in a nice orderly fashion." said Sam. "Okay, I can do that." George answered. Well, feeding time came and all the heifers were lined up just like Sam said and George was all excited to go down there, but Sam had a few more instructions. "Now George, here is how this is gonna work. I'll start at one end and you can start

One day St. Peter visited Hell to make certain that the sinners were being adequately punished. During his tour he noticed that Hitler was standing in feces up to his chin. Surprisingly, the Fuhrer was smiling. "I don't understand," sasid St. Peter. "How can you smile when you'll be spending all of eternity in excrement?" Hitler replied, "I'm smiling because I'm standing on Mussolini's shoulders."

A judge scowled down at a repeat offender before him. "Haven't I seen you in here many times already? And didn't I tell you that I never wanted to see you in here again?" "Yes, Your Honor," the defendant replied. "That's exactly what I told the police officer, but he insisted I come in anyway!"

Shortly after the 911 emergency number became available, an elderly and quite ill lady appeared in a hospital emergency room, having driven herself to the hospital and barely managing to stagger in from the parking lot. The horrified nurse said, "Why didn't you call the 911 number and get an ambulance?" The lady said, "My phone doesn't have an eleven."

Once upon a time, there was a fairy called Nuff. Fair enough.

In his legal practice, Abraham Lincoln was never greedy for fees and discouraged unnecessary litigation. A man came to him in a passion, asking him to bring a suit for $2.50 against an impoverished debtor. Lincoln tried to dissuade him, but the man was determined upon revenge. When he saw that the creditor was not to be put off, Lincoln asked for and got $10 as his legal fee. He gave half of this to the defendant, who thereupon willingly confessed to the debt and paid up the $2.50, thus settling the matter to the entire satisfaction of the irate plaintiff.

Yo Momma's so ugly, the neighborhood kids dressed up as her for Halloween.

HOW DO PEOPLE IN LOVE TYPICALLY BEHAVE? "When a person gets kissed for the first time, they fall down and they don't get up for at least an hour." Wendy, age 8. "Mooshy...like puppy dogs...except puppy dogs don't wag their tails nearly as much." Arnold, age 10. "All of a sudden, the people get movies fever so they can sit together in the dark." Shem, age 8. CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE "One of the people has freckles and so he finds somebody else who has freckles too." Andrew, age 6. ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE "Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life." John, age 9. REFLECTIONS ON THE NATURE OF LOVE "Love is the most important thing in

A few decades from now, George Bush will die (everyone dies eventually). He goes up to Heaven where he sees a bunch of clocks, and he asks God what the clocks do. "These clocks go forward one minute each time the person tells a lie." Bush looks for his clock. "Where's mine?" "Oh, that one? I use that as a ceiling fan." "WHAT?"

"You're in incredible shape," the doctor said. "How old are you again?" "I am 78," said the man. "78!" remarked the doctor. "How do you stay so healthy? You look like a 60-year-old." "Well, my wife and I made a pact when we got married that whenever she got mad she would go into the kitchen and cool off and I would go outside for a walk to settle down," the man explained. "What does that have to do with it?" asked the doctor. "I've pretty much lived an outdoor life."