A couple is sitting on the porch sipping wine. The wife says, "I love you." The husband says, "Is that you or the wine talking?" The wife replies, "It's me, talking to the wine."

Yo momma is so stupid, she took the Pepsi challenge and chose Jif.

How do you know that the toothbrush was invented by a redneck? If it was invented by anyone else they would have called it a "teethbrush".

When Eve was first created, she had 3 breasts. She asks God, "What shall I do with this extra breast?" And God created Adam.

A doctor, an architect, and an attorney were dining at the country club one day, and the conversation turned to the subject of their respective dogs, which were apparently quite extraordinary. A wager was placed on who had the most intelligent dog. The physician offered to show his dog first, and called to the parking lot, "Hippocrates, come!" Hippocrates ran in, and was told by the doctor to do his stuff. Hippocrates ran to the golf course and dug for a while, producing a number of bones. He dragged the bones into the country club, and assembled them into a complete, fully articulated human skeleton. The physician patted Hippocrates on the head, and gave him a cookie for his efforts. Th

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which

A woman had twins, and gave them up for adoption. One of them went to a family in Egypt and was named Amal. The other went to a family in Spain, and they named him Juan. Years later, Juan sent a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she told her husband that she wished that she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responded, "But they're twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

A Rabbi was walking home from the Temple and a pious and learned man who could usually beat the rabbi in religious arguments. The rabbi started walking faster so that he could catch up to his friend, when he was horrified to see his friend go into a Chinese restaurant (not a kosher one). Standing at the door, he observed his friend talking to a waiter and gesturing at a menu. A short time later, the waiter reappeared carrying a platter full of spare ribs, shrimp in lobster sauce, crab rangoon and other treif that the Rabbi could not bear to think about. As his friend picked up the chopsticks and began to eat this food, the Rabbi burst into the restaurant and reproached his friend, for he cou

Signs you're a redneck Jedi; -You ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with y'all." -Your Jedi robe is camouflage. -You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light. -At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored. -You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok. -You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard. -The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters. -Wookiees are offended by your B.O. -You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial. -You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing or bowling. -Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under way. The pilot and co-pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind. The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the co-pilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses. At first the passengers do not react; thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start spooling up and the airplane starts moving down the runway. The pass

- "Someone must have shot you with a phaser set on 'stunning.'" - "I can't help it -- my eyes are trapped in the gravitational field of your breasts!!" - "Nice Asimov." - "Not only can I beam you aboard, I can beam you a woody." - "Earth woman, prepare to be probed!" - "I'm the droid you're looking for." - "Is that a spare Vulcan ear in your pocket or... well, I'm just asking because some jerk in the parking lot pulled off one of my Vulcan ears." - "Hey, baby. I own Microsoft." - "Your mouth says, 'Shields up!', but your eyes say, 'A hull breach is imminent.'" - "If I told you you had a beautiful body, would you watch me masturbate while I download pictures of Jeri Ryan?"

1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair, in a well lit place, with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils. 2. Check your email. 3. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand. 4. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help you concentrate. 5. Check your email. 6. Stop off at another floor on the way back, and visit with your friend from class. If your friend hasn't started the paper yet either, you can both walk to McDonalds and buy a hamburger to help you concentrate. If your friend shows you her paper, typed, double-spaced, and bound in one of those irritating see-thru plastic folders, drop her. 7. When you get back to your room, sit in a s