A man complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman ... then ... pow! ... it was all gone!" "What happened?" asked the friend. "Ahhhh ... my wife found out ..."

1. CADDY -- 2 women talking about a 3rd who isn't there to defend herself. 2. CHIPPING -- Time to get our nails done again. 3. DOUBLE BOGIE -- "Casablanca" followed by "African Queen." 4. FAIRWAY -- Splitting the bill when the girls go to lunch. 5. GOOD LIE -- Weight on our driver's license. 6. GREENS -- Lunch we eat when we'd really love a cheeseburger. 7. HOLE-IN-ONE -- Time to get new pantyhose. 8. IRON -- What guys need to learn to do their own shirts. 9. ROUGH -- Getting a guy to understand, well, pretty much anything. 10. SHAFT -- You watch the kids while he gets to go golfing. 11. SLICE -- "No thanks. . .just a sliver." 12. TEES -- Putting on that Victoria Secret Negligee. 13. WATER H

Joe is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a very tiny mini skirt. Despite his efforts he can't stop looking at her thighs. To his delight he discovers that she is wearing no underwear. The blonde suddenly notices that he is looking and asks, "Are you looking at my p*ssy?" "Yes, I am so sorry! I just couldn't help myself. I will stop right away." After a while he starts to look again. "Are you looking again?" the blonde asks. "I am so sorry, I just can't stop!" he says. "Oh, it's okay. It's quite talented, watch!" the blonde says. As the man is watching it blows a kiss at him! "What else can it do?" he asks. "It can also wink at you," she says. The man stares in

One day a man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Do you have any corn?" and the bartender says, "No, we only sell beer." The next day the man walks into the bar again and asks for corn but this time the bartender says, "Hey, you are the guy that asked for corn yesterday? If you ask for corn one more time i will nail you to the wall!" The next day the man goes into the bar again and asks, "Do you have any nails?" and the bartender says, "No," so the man says, "Do you have any corn?"

The old pastor made it to a practice to visit the parish school one day a week. He walked into the 4th grade class, where the children were studying the states, and asked them how many states they could name. They came up with about 40 names. He jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states. One lad raised his hand and said, "Yes, but in those days there were only 13."

Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses? If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong? Is there another word for synonym? Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?" If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages? How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign? The older you get, the better you realize you were. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday. Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays? Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go b

This is an actual chatroom conversation from a "local Chatroom" Joe: I wonder what would happen if you had a sleep number bed, and set it to 69? Christy: ? huh? Mike: I dont know, but it sure sounds tasty! Joe: You probably wouldn't understand Christy, you're too pure and innocent. Christy: Maybe... sounds more like a police code or something Mike: lol, ya, that's it. "This is the dispatcher, what is your status" Joe: lol "We have a 69 in progress at the overpass, Officer needs assistance" Mike: "Move in! Move in! Officer has gone down, repeat, Officer has gone down! Joe: "Someone better call the fire department, looks like we'll need the Jaws of Life for this one!" Christy:

You can fool some of the people all of the time and all of the people some of the time, but you can never fool a Mom.

Knock, Knock Who's there? Cows go. Cows go who? No, silly! Cows go moo!

1. And your crybaby whiny opinion would be...? 2. Do I look like a people person? 3. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting. 4. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left. 5. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me. 6. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer. 7. If I throw a stick, will you leave? 8. You!... Off my planet! 9. If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cats. 10. Does your train of thought have a caboose? 11. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed. 12. A PBS mind in an MTV world. 13. Allow me to introduce my selves. 14. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed. 15. Suburbia: where they tear

It was late in the evening and I was studying in the university library's reading room. It was in the middle of final exams, so the library was a hectic place with students milling around everywhere. I was sitting at my desk with my pile of books and felt the need for a nap before I continued with my work. I wasn't asleep long before I was awakened by laughter. To my surprise, everyone who was laughing was also looking at me. I looked around the room, silently pleading for answers, when someone next to me leaned over and whispered, "You were farting in your sleep."

Each evening bird lover Tom stood in his backyard, hooting like an owl - and one night, an owl called back to him. For a year, the man and his feathered friend hooted back and forth, with Tom even keeping a log of the "conversation." Just as Tom thought he was on the verge of a breakthrough in inter-species communication, his wife had a chat with next-door neighbour's wife. "My husband spends his nights . . . calling out to owls," said Mrs. Rowe. "That's odd," Mrs. Hollis replied. "So does my John." Then it dawned on them.