Yo Mama's so ugly, two guys broke into her apt., she yelled "rape", they yelled "NO!"

A drunk is out drinking and he gets really wasted. He looks at the time and it's 3 a.m. He screams and heads home before his wife screams at him. He tries to walk but he can't. His legs won't work. Figuring he's too drunk to walk home he crawls. It was long and hard but he makes it home in a half hour. He silently crawls into bed and his wife is still sound asleep. He relaxes and lays back. Then his wife whispers, "I know you've been out drinking and right now your wasted." The man whispers, "No I haven't, and no I'm not." The woman replies, "Then where's your wheelchair?"

One day, a cat dies and goes to heaven. God meets him at the gate and says,"You've been a good cat all of your life, anything you want is yours." The cat says"Well, I lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wood floor." Instantly, a fluffy pillow appears. The cat hops onto it and falls asleep. A week later, five mice die and go to heaven as well. God meets them at the gate and makes them the same offer. They reply "All of our life, we've been chased by cats, dogs, and women with brooms. If only we didn't have to run anymore...." They are each fitted with a custom pair of roller skates. A month later, God decides to check up on the cat. He asks "How are you doing? Are you happy

More male phrases explained: "You know how bad my memory is." Really means... "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday." "Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal." Really means... "I have severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt." "I do help around the house." Really means... "I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket." "Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing." Really means... "I sure hope I think of some reasons pretty soon." "I can't find it." Really means... "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands,

A mushroom walks into a bar and asks for a beer. The bartender, not wanting to serve a mushroom, says "Uh uh, I'm not serving no mushroom." "Aw, come on - I'm a fungi!" the mushroom replies.

One day on a farm a farmer gets a new rooster and puts it in the hen house. The new rooster is talking to the old rooster and the old rooster says, "Just let me have 2 chickens and I'll leave you alone." The young rooster says, "No old man these are my chickens." So the old rooster says, "Why don't we have a race around the chicken coop to see who deserves the chickens?" The young rooster figuring he is faster agrees, and even desides to give the old rooster a 15 second head start. So when the race begins the old rooster takes off and 15 seconds later the young rooster begins running. By the time the roosters round the first bend the young rooster has almost caught the old rooster

The Pope met with the Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres, leader of the Jewish nation. "Your holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Peres wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior by challenging you to a golf match." The Pope was greatly disturbed as he had never held a golf club in his life. "Not to worry," said the Cardinal, "We'll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus. We'll make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres....we can't lose!" Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and, of course, Jack was honoured and agreed to play. The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of his success in the m

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ....what? A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Dear Dad, $chool i$ really $well. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. I have $o much $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need. $o if you like, $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. Love Your $on Dear Son, I kNOw astroNOmy, ecoNOmy, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep an hoNOrs student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can't study eNOugh. Love, Dad

A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep the entire store." "But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly. "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom. Let me show you how."

Three guys are about to be executed and they are asked what they wish to have for their last meal. The Italian responds, Pepperoni Pizza, which he is served and then executed. The Frenchmen requests a Fillet Mignon, which he is served and then executed. The Newf requests a plate of strawberries. "STRAWBERRIES ????" "Yes, Strawberries." He is told, "But they are out of season!" "So, I'll wait."

Legendary football announcer Keith Jackson was in Texas to announce a college football game when he noticed a special telephone near the Longhorn's bench. He asked a nearby Texas player what it was for, and was told that it was the "hotline to God." Keith asked if he could use it. The player told him, "Sure, but it will cost you $10." Keith scratched his head and thought, "What the heck, I need a break picking games." He pulled out his wallet and paid the $10. Keith was perfect that week with his football picks. The next week Mr. Jackson was in Florida when he noticed the same kind of telephone on the FSU bench. He again asked what the telephone was for and was told, "It's the hotline to