Lena called the airlines information desk and inquired, "How long does it take to fly from Minneapolis to Fargo?" "Just a minute," said the busy clerk. "Vell, said Lena, "if it has to go dat fast, I tink I'll just take da bus."

"You certainly look cool." "Thanks, you don't look so hot yourself."

What does a blond say when she is watching a porn movie? ANSWER: "Look, me!"

The one item you need is always in short supply.

1. Bush/Cheney '04: We're Gooder! 2. Bush/Cheney '04: Leave no Child a Dime! 3. Bush/Cheney '04: Because the Truth Just isn't Good Enough. 4. Vote Bush in '04: It's a no-brainer! 5. Bush/Cheney '04: Compassionate Colonialism 6. Bush/Cheney '04: Leave no Billionaire Behind 7. Bush/Cheney '04: Putting the "con" in conservatism 8. Bush/Cheney '04: Thanks for not Paying Attention 9. Bush/Cheney '04: The Last Vote You'll Ever Have to Cast 10. Bush/Cheney '04: This Time, Elect Us! 11. Bush/Cheney '04: Four More Wars 12. Bush/Cheney '04: Asses of Evil 13. Bush/Cheney '04: Assimilate. Resistance is Futile 14. Bush/Cheney '04: Apocalypse Now! 15. Vote Bush in '04: Because Dictatorship is Easi

Additional quotes made by physicians in actual medical records: 1. Discharge status: alive but without permission. 2. The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983. 3. The patient refused an autopsy. 4. The patient has no past history of suicides. 5. Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital. 6. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant. 7. Since she can not get pregnant with her husband, I thought you would like to work her up. 8. She is numb from her toes down. 9. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches. 10. Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized. 11. Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid. 12. The patient

A little girl learned in school, that instead of words, pictures and symbols would be drawn to indicate something if words weren't understood. Later that day, she needed to go into the bathroom, looked at two pictures, and went in one. A teacher asked her, "Why did you go into the boys' bathroom?" She answered, "The picture showed a person wearing pants, and I'm wearing pants. The other picture showed someone wearing a dress, and I'm not."

Yo Momma so lazy she thinks a two-income family is where yo daddy has 2 jobs.

A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible: Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the verse. Little Bobby was excited about the task, but he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line. On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Bobby was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my shepherd and that's all I need to know."

1st SLAP "Our ship has just lost 82% of its power, our captain's head fused with plexiglass and we have an eleven minute window to escape certain death. Let's go to bed together." 2nd SLAP "The evil bad guy, who has demonstrated Superman-like strength, has just killed two of our crew. Let's split up and walk aimlessly through the ship looking for him." 3rd SLAP "I just found an unknown, odd, bizarrely pulsating alien object. I'm gonna open it up and stick my hand in it to see what happens." 4th SLAP "We just picked you up from an abandoned moon in deep space and you can read my mind, which no other human being has ever been able to do. Neat. Let's go to bed." 5th SLAP

Some items have the strangest directions/ warnings. Here are a few I've noticed. On a toilet plunger: Do not use as an umbrella. On a carton of milk: May contain dairy products. On a tricycle: Will hurt if on top of someone. On popcorn: Will pop if heated. On candy: Directions: Take of wrapper, insert into mouth, chew, and swallow. (No, really?) On bean bags used for juggling: Do not eat. On lunchmeat: Do not mistake as toilet paper. On Gameboy: To play,you must have a thumb. After computer error: Keyboard malfunction, press enter to continue. On coke bottle: Do not try to insert head. On skateboard: May move if rode on. On shampoo bottle: Warning: May create a lather. Roadsign:

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all go to a bar. The redhead walks up to the bartender and says,"I'll have a BL." So the bartender gives her a Bud Light. The brunette walks up next and says,"I'll have an ML." So the bartender gives her a Miller Light. The blonde is catchingon so she goes up to the bartender and says,"I'll have a 15." The bartender thinks about it, looks around, and says,"Ok, you stumped me. What's a 15?" The blonde goes,"Duh! 7 and 7."