I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but i can't get my wife to go swimming!

I'm a schizophrenic and so am I.

Two male flies are buzzing around, cruising for good looking female flies. One spots a real cutie sitting on a pile of horse manure and dives down toward her. "Pardon me," he says, turning on his best charm, "...but is this stool taken?"

You are a redneck if: you've ever gotten a headache reading the newspaper.

What does a blonde and a screendoor have in common? The harder you bang them the looser they get. Why did the blonde climb the glass wall? To see what was on the other side. What is the first thing a blonde does in the morning? Get dressed and go home

How do you keep a blond busy? Write "please turn over" on both sides of a paper!

You're so ugly instead of taking you to the doctor your mom took you to the vet.

Q: Why DIDN`T the skull cross the road? A: Because he didn`t have the guts!

When I worked in the tourist industry in Florida, we got to wear some of the buttons that were for sale. My favorite read : We love serving tourists; I like mine well done!

An architect, an artist and an accountant were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The accountant said, "I like both." "Both?" The accountant replied "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the office and get some work done."

If you can tell time... Why can't you tell that I don't have time for you?

You are so small that on your ID picture, your feet showed.