Did you here about the new redneck Barbie doll? It comes with twelve kids, aids, and a welfare check.

The founder of the Harley  Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, Arthur Davidson, died and went  to heaven.    At the gates, St. Peter told  Arthur, "You've been a good man and your motorcycles have changed the  world. Your reward is, you can hang  out with anyone you want in Heaven."   Arthur thought about it for a  minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God." St. Peter took Arthur to the  Throne Room, and introduced him to God. God recognized Arthur and  commented, "So you were the one who  invented the Harley Davidson motorcycles, eh?"   Arthur said, "Yeah, that's  me..." God commented, "Well, what's the big deal about inventing something  that's pretty unstable, m

A number of Primary Schools were doing a project on "The Sea." Kids were asked to draw pictures or write about their experiences. Teachers got together to compare the results and put together some of the comments that were funny and some that were sad. Here are some of them. The kids were all aged between 5 and 8 years: This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6) Whales are animals, not fish. If they don't get air they can drown, like my brother did last summer. (David age 7) Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6) If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea all around you, you are incontinent. (Wayne age 7) I think shark

In Fahrenheits... 60 Californians put on sweaters (if they can find one) 50 Miami residents turn on the heat 40 You can see your breath, Californians shiver uncontrollably, Minnesotans go swimming 35 Italian cars don't start 32 Water freezes 30 You plan your vacation to Australia 25 Boston water freezes, Californians weep pitiably, Minnesotans eat ice cream, Canadians go swimming 20 Politicians begin to talk about the homeless, New York City water freezes, Miami residents plan vacation further South 15 French cars don't start, Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you 10 You need jumper cables to get the car going 5 American cars don't start 0 Alaskans put on T-shi

A kindergarten teacher was giving her students a homework assignment. She said, "Students, I know you can do this. If you are going anywhere tonight, then watch how your parents drive in relation to the stoplight. This means, watch how they drive and what they say when the stoplight turns green, when it turns red, and when it turns yellow." So the following day, all the little kids came back with smiles on their faces because they knew that they had done their homework. The teacher asks, "So did everyone do their homework last night?" Every kid says in unison, "Yes!" The teacher continues. "So can anyone tell me what you do when the light turns green?" She looks past the outstretched

The "road hog" in front of you on Main Street is a farmer's combine. The local phone book has only one yellow page. Third Street is on the edge of town. You leave your jacket on the back of the chair in the cafe, and when you go back the next day, it's still there, on the same chair. You don't signal turns because everyone knows where you're going, anyway. No social events can be scheduled when the school gym floor is being varnished. You call a wrong number and they supply you with the correct one. Everyone knows all the news before it's published; they just read the hometown paper to see whether the publisher got it right. The city limits signs are both on the same post! The City

A guy walks up to a doctor and asks: "What type of questions do you ask people to decide if they are retarded or not?" "I ask questions like; If you had to empty a bathtub that was full of water, and I gave you a teaspoon, a bucket, and a cup, how would you get the water out?" "Oh I see," the man said, "a sensible man would use the bucket because it is bigger." "No, a sensible person would pull the plug."

What is the noisiest part of a tree? Its bark.

It is the year 2032, and a father and his son walk the streets of lower Manhattan. Approaching the site where the WTC used to be in the end of the 20th century, the father sighs and comments, "To think that right here used to be the Twin Towers." The son, not understanding, asks his father "What were the Twin Towers?" The father smiles and looks at the son, and explains, "The Twin Towers were two huge buildings that used to be here until 2001, when the Arabs destroyed them." The son looks up to his father, and asks, "And what are the Arabs?"

Yo Momma is so poor, I saw her walking down the street with one shoe, and I said, "Hey, you lost a shoe." And she said, "No, I found one."

Some race horses are staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. "In the last 15 races, I've won 8 of them!" Another horse breaks in, "Well, in the last 27 races, I've won 19!" "Oh, that's good, but in the last 36 races, I've won 28!" says another, flicking his tail. At this point, they notice that a greyhound has been sitting there, listening. "I don't mean to boast," says the greyhound, "but in my last 90 races, I've won 88 of them!" The horses are clearly amazed. "Wow!" says one, after a hushed silence. "A talking dog."

How many stupid blondes does it take to make a circuit? Two - one to stand inside the bath, the other to pass the hair dryer.