A man was about to die, so he went to a black magic store to get a voodoo dick. The man at the store said, "It works. Anything you tell it to go to, it goes. So your wife can just say, 'Voodoo dick, my pussy.'" The man buys it and gives it to his wife. She says, "Voodoo dick, my pussy." It goes in and starts screwing. But she doesn't know how to get it out. So she speeds to the hospital, but a cop catches her. He says, "What's the hurry?" She says, "There's a voodoo dick stuck in my pussy." The cop says, "Voodoo dick, my ass!"

Joe and Ted finished an exam and talked to each other afterwards. "I did terrible," said Joe. "I think I was filling in the wrong bubbles!" "Me too," replied Ted. "Well, why did you do terrible?" asked Joe. "I forgot to bring a pencil!"

Mrs. Peterson phoned the repairman because her dishwasher quit working. He couldn't accommodate her with an "after-hours" appointment and since she had to go to work, she told him, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dish washer, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check. By the way, I have a large rotweiler inside named Killer; he won't bother you. I also have a parrot, and whatever you do, do not talk to the bird!" Well, sure enough the dog, Killer, totally ignored the repairman, but the whole time he was there, the parrot cursed, yelled, screamed, and about drove him nuts. As he was ready to leave, he couldn't resist saying, "You stupid bird, why don't you shut up!

Three little boys went into a candy store. "I want two cents worth of jelly beans," the first boy said to the clerk. The clerk frowned. The jelly beans were on the top self, and he didn't like climbing up there just to sell two cents worth, but he did it. When he came down, he put away his ladder and turned to the second boy. "What will you have?" he asked. "I'll have two cents worth of jelly beans, too," said the boy. Angrily, the clerk got the ladder and climbed up to get the jelly beans. While he was still up there, he turned to the third boy. "You don't want two cents worth of jelly beans, do you?" asked the man. "No, sir," answered the third boy, so the man climbed down and put away

1. Happy aniversery! 2. Do I look fat in this? 3. Heres 100 dollars! Buy whatever you want. 4. I think im pregnant. 5. Do you wanna come shopping with me and my friends? We're going to Victoria's Secret. 6. I'm cheating on you with 1 other man and 2 women. 7. Hunney... can we not do it tonight. I'm just not in the mood. 8. Do you just wanna go on a vacation just me and you? We can go to the Bahamas! 9. I'm sorry. 10. Whenever you wanna get divorced just tell me.

This form is designed for excuse you'll need for the trouble you've caused.. Whenever there's a multiple choice, pick the one that works best for your situation and use it. Dear: a) Mom b) Dad c) Love of my life d) Teacher e) Local Police Chief Words cannot begin to express how sorry I am that your a) Car b) House c) Pet d) Hair e) Left arm was severely damaged by my a) infantile b) puerile c) inept d) comically brilliant but nonetheless sadistic e) woefully under appreciated prank. How could I have known that the a) car b) jet ski c) large helium balloon d) rodent driven sledge e) Zamboni I was riding in would go so far out of control? And while it is true that I should not ha

1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks'trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub tap on and off with your toes. 2. CARPERPETUATION (kar'pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance. 3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of confection (lolly) you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs. 4. ELBONICS (el bon'iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater. 5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to

What is a plant's favorite school year? KinderGARDEN!!!

A kindergarden teacher had a pupil tell her he had found a frog. She inquired as to whether it was dead or alive. "Dead," she was informed. "How do you know?" she asked. "Because I pissed in his ear," said the child innocently. "You did WHAT?" squealed the teacher in surprise. "You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst'. He didn't move!"

A passenger jet was suffering through a severe thunderstorm. As the passengers were being bounced around by the turbulence, a young woman turned to a minister sitting next to her and with a nervous laugh asked, "Reverend, you're a man of God, can't you do something about this storm?" To which he replied, "Lady, I'm in sales, not management."

Billy Bob wanted a job as a signalman on the railways. He was told to meet the inspector at the signal box. The inspector asked, "What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading for each other on the same track?" Billy Bob replied, "I would switch the points for one of the trains." "What if the lever broke?" asked the inspector. "Then I'd dash down out of the signal box," said Billy Bob, "and I'd use the manual lever over there." "What if that had been struck by lightning?" "Then," Billy Bob continued, "I'd run back into the signal box and phone the next signal box." "What if the phone was busy?" "Well in that case," persevered Billy Bob, "I'd rush down out of the box

An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play, it is always possible to get worse.