Cinderella, Superman and Pinocchio die and go to heaven. On their way they talk: Cinderella: "I want to be remembered as the most beautiful girl in the world." Superman: "I want to be remembered as the strongest person in the world." Pinocchio: "I want to be remembered as the greatest liar in the world." It's Cinderella's turn. She goes into the room and comes out smiling, saying, "It's done. I'm the most beautiful girl in the world!" Then goes Superman. He goes into the room and comes out happy, saying, "It's done. I'm the strongest person in the world!" Last comes out Pinocchio, angrily he says: "Damn! who's this Clinton guy?!?!"

What does the government have but never uses to make life simple? Their power!

A writer died and was given the option of going to heaven or hell. She decided to check out each place first. As the writer descended into the fiery pits, she saw row upon row of writers chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they were repeatedly whipped with thorny lashes. "Oh my," said the writer. "Let me see heaven now." A few moments later, as she ascended into heaven, she saw rows of writers, chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they, too, were whipped with thorny lashes. "Wait a minute!" said the writer, "this is just as bad as hell." "Oh no, it's not," replied an unseen voice. "Here, your work gets published."

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will and make her final requests. She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Bloomingdales. "Bloomingdales!" the rabbi exclaimed. "Why Bloomingdales?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."

Yo momma cooks so bad, your family prays after they eat!

Two blondes were sitting enjoying a view of the full moon. The first blonde says; "I wonder which is further away? The moon or Florida?" The second blonde replies; "Well, duh! The moon! Can you see Florida?"

Which sea will make you go ape? The Chimpansea.

What do you call an alien with no ears? Anything you like, he can't hear you.

A Chinese guy was trying to exchange yen for dollars and asked the teller, "Why it change, yestoday I get two hunat dollar fo yen - today Iget a Hunat eighty?" The teller says - "Fluctuations!" The Chinese guy says "Fluc you white guys too"

A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the bartender asks for their order. The man says, "I'll have a beer" and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?" "I'll have a beer too" says the ostrich. The bartender pours the beer and says "That will be $3.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again, and the man says "I'll have a beer," and the ostrich says "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This became a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the bartender."Well, it's close to last ca

Yo momma is so fat and hairy, that if she dyed her hair green, people would use her for golf practice.