After interviewing a particularly short-spoken job candidate, the interviewer described the person to his boss as rather monosyllabic. The boss said, "Really? Where is Monosyllabia?" Thinking that his boss was just kidding, he played along and said that it was just south of Elbonia. He replied, "Oh, you mean over by Croatia?"

A man goes to school and learns stuff.

Things You Don't Want to Hear When Regaining Consciousness "Let me ask your opinion, nurse..." "Has anyone ever seen one of THESE?" "What do you mean, "It's upside down"?" "This is what happens when cousins marry." "You think we can sew it back on?" "Is that SUPPOSED to be yellow?" "What does the AMA know; I still think I can do it." "Wow. Maybe I shouldn't have gotten so drunk last night." "Does Tab A go into Slot C or Slot F?" "They never let us practice on REAL people in Med school." "Don't worry, he'll never know; he's out."

If flattery gets you nowhere, try bribery.

My wife and I are both the youngest child. Combine that with our own experience as parents and we often satirically talk about how things change as you have more children: The First Step First child: My wife grabbed the camera; I grabbed the video camera. My wife took four rolls of film. We immediately ran out to the one-hour developing place and had all four rolls developed with double prints. We had the best picture blown up to 24" x 36" and framed. We hung it up in the entry hall. I had a professional studio turn the four hours of video I taped into a one-hour documentary complete with voice-over by a local anchor-man. Second child: We took one roll of film and five minutes worth of v

How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, it turned itself in.

An attorney got home late one evening after a very taxing day trying to get a stay of execution for his client, Wilbur Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the state governor had failed and he was feeling tired and depressed. As soon as he got through the door, his wife started on about, "What time of night do you call this? Where the hell have you been?" and so on. Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a very large whisky and headed off to the bathroom for a long hot soak - pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks. While he was in the bath the phone rang. His wife answered and

A little boy put on his baseball uniform and went outside to play, chanting "I'm the best baseball hitter in the world!" He throws the ball in the air, swings and misses. Strike one! He adjusts his hat and says, "I'm the best baseball hitter in the world!" He throws the ball in the air, swings and misses. Strike two! He adjusts his hat a little more, takes a couple of practice swings and says, "I'm the best baseball hitter in the world!" Once more, he throws the ball in the air, swings and misses again. Strike three! He thinks for a few moments about what just took place, then says, "I'm the best pitcher in the world!"

Murphy's Law of Cable TV If you have watched a TV series only once, and you watch it again, it will be a rerun of the same episode.

What does the "95" in Windows95 mean anyway? 10. The number of floppies it will ship in. 9. The percentage of users who will have to upgrade their hardware. 8. The number of megabytes of hard disk space required. 7. The number of pages in the "EASY INSTALL" version of the manual. 6. The percentage of existing programs that won't run in the new OS. 5. The number of hours to install. 4. The number of calls to tech support before you can get it to run. 3. The number of people who will actually pay for the upgrade. 2. Meg of RAM required for the damn thing to run. 1. The year it was DUE to ship.

A couple whose marriage was going on the rocks sought the advice of a marriage counsellor. The counsellor pleaded with them to patch up their quarrel, but they were adamant. "So," said the counsellor, "you know the consequences and you want to part. Remember this. You must divide your property equally." The wife flared up. "You mean the $4,000 I have saved up? I must give him half? My money?" "Yes," said the counsellor. "He gets $2,000, you get $2,000." "What about my furniture? I paid for that." "Same thing," answered the counsellor. "Your husband gets the bedroom and the living room; you get the dining room and the kitchen." There was a challenging gleam in the wife's eye. "What abou

A businessman boarded a plane and sat next to Hannah, an elegant woman wearing the largest and most stunning diamond ring he had ever seen. He asked her about it. "This is the Egoheimer diamond," Hannah said. "It's beautiful, but there is a terrible curse that goes with it." "What's the curse?" the man asked. "Mr Egoheimer."