These are actual newspaper headlines gathered from papers across the country. Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped Lawyers Give Poor Free Legal Advice Fund Set Up for Beating Victim's Kin Cancer Society Honors Marlboro Man Nicaragua Sets Goal to Wipe Out Literacy Autos Killing 110 a Day - Let's Resolve to Do Better 20-Year Friendship Ends at Altar Half of U.S. High Schools Require Some Study for Graduation Blind Woman Gets New Kidney from Dad She Hasn't Seen in Years

"You could use your old computer to shop for a new computer online. But that seems kind of cruel, doesn't it? Like asking your dying spouse if he or she has any cute friends." - Scott Ostler

A blond man, Mark, was going to France over the summer. So he asked the advice of his friend, who had been to Paris last year. "Oh!" his friend said, "The food in France is fabulous! Be sure to ask about their frog legs." "FROG legs? Really?" Mark couldn't believe it. "Yeah. It seems strange, doesn't it?" Mark agreed to ask. A month later, Mark flew to France. He had a wonderful time seeing the sights, and forgot all about his friend's advice until his very last night, right before dinner. He was already seated at a table, and soon a waiter walked up to him to take his order. "Well..." Mark pondered, "I'm not sure what I want." He decided to ask, then and there. "Say- do you

Look here, waiter! How long must I wait for that half-duck I ordered? Until somebody orders the other half. We can't go out and kill half a duck.

A guy is sitting with a woman at a bar late at night and they are flirting with each other. The lady tells him all about herself and the man sits there listening. After she is done, the man repeats what she said. "So, you're a 20 year old college graduate from Harvard, a famous fashion model, you love video games and football, you like to do housework, you never complain, you don't own a cell phone, you're a virgin, your parents are dead and they left you loads of money, you have perfect teeth, shiny and smooth hair, no wrinkles or blemishes, you have 2% body fat, you're always willing to have sex, your brother is Peyton Manning, you have a hot bi-sexual roommate, and a 3 story house". She

A woman named Denise couldn't read her book. Her daughter Kelly was clicking away on the computer, but this time she was talking in a strange voice. Denise decided to go check on what Kelly was doing. "Kelly," she said in a stern tone, "I told you no talking on the computer when I'm trying to read!" Her daughter looked confused. "What? It was just the man with the Apple iPhone." The next day the Apple iPhone arrived, but Kelly was grounded from her computer for a month. Denise tried to read, but yet again Kelly was talking in that strange voice. She said the same thing to Kelly, but she simply responded, "What? It's just the man with the Wii." The Wii arrived the next day and Kelly was now g

One there was a wrestler in a very, very light weight wrestling match. He only weighed 135 pounds and his opponent even less than that. He was just about to wrestle that day when his coach dragged him off the ring. "I need to speak with him," the coach called. "Why'd you take me out?" asked the wrestler, nervous. "What did I do?" "Calm down. I don't think you're fit to beat your opponent." "Yeah, well, I doubt it, Coach. I could carry that guy in the palm of my hand. He only weighs 85 pounds, maybe 90." "Yes, but he has a lot of muscle!"

What do you call a chicken? A chicken.

Q: How many giraffes will fit into a Mini? A: None. It's full of elephants.

Why does a chicken cross the street? Because it wants to get on the other side!

At the 1980 Olympics, Brezhnev begins his speech. "O!" - applause. "O!" - more applause. "O!" - yet more applause. "O!" - an ovation. "O!!!" - the whole audience stands up and applauds. An aide comes running to the podium and whispers, "Leonid Ilyich, that's the Olympic rings, you don't need to read it!"

Knock-Knock...Who's there?....The Gestapo...The Gestapo, who?.....VEE VILL BE ASKING ZE QUESTIONS HERE!!