A man went into his shrink's office and says, "Doc, you have got to help me! Every night I keep dreaming that I'm a sports car. "The other night I dreamed I was a Ferrari. Another night I dreamed I was a BMW. Last night I dreamed I was a Porsche. What does this mean?" "Relax," says the doctor; "you're just having an auto-body experience."

Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning ship. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!" The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. O

1) pretendyoudontknowwhatthespacebaris 2) no caps or puncuation at all seriously it really annoys people 3) Abb. or shorten evry othr wrd it wrks rly wel 4) UsE cApS oN aNd OfF lIkE tHiS 5) 1337 5) maik rly stoopid spelng mistaiks liek dis 6) Waste peoples' time. 7) Feing lost of tyops (Feign lots of typos) 8) TYPE IN ALL CAPS IT ANNOYS PEOPLE 9) N vwls. (No vowls.) 10) Capitalize Every Word Lots Of People Do It And It Really Works 11) 1337. s3R10u5|Y. D0 u N0 |-|0\/\/ mUc|-| 17 4N0y5 pp| 1F u U53 17 1n c0njUnC710N \/\// c|-|475p33K? (Leet. Seriously. Do you know how much it annoys people if you use it in conjunction with chatspeak?) 12) Act like a 3 year old. 13) Call everyone

What's the last thing that goes through a fly's mind when he hits your windshield? His asshole!

What's worse than taking a bite out of an apple and finding a worm? Finding half a worm!

A man walked into the doctor's surgery and said, "Doctor, every time I break wind it sounds like a motor bike." "That's very interesting; is there anything else bothering you?" asked the doctor. "I also have a large boil on my backside," said the man. "Right," said the doctor, "I will lance your boil and your problem will disappear." "How's that?" asked the man. "Because abscess makes the fart go Honda."

Teacher: Julia, how can you say Asshole in a nicer way? Julia: As holes.

"Emily, I don't know what to do," Gloria said to her friend at work. "That good-looking Alan in accounting asked me out for Saturday night. Should I go?" "Oh, my gosh," her friend exclaimed. "He'll wine you, dine you, and then use any ruse to get you up to his apartment. Then he'll rip off your dress and you'll have fantastic sex!" "What should I do?" "Wear an old dress."

TEACHER: How old were you on your last birthday? STUDENT: Seven. TEACHER: How old will you be on your next birthday? STUDENT: Nine. TEACHER: That's impossible. STUDENT: No it isn't, teacher. I'm eight today. ********************************************************** TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America. GEORGE: Here it is! TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America? CLASS: George!

Knock Knock! Who's There? Eileen. Eileen who? Eileen on the door until you open it

As a Delta Air Lines jet was flying over Arizona on a clear day, the copilot was providing his passengers with a running commentary about landmarks over the PA system. "Coming up on the right, you can see the Meteor Crater, which is a major tourist attraction in northern Arizona. It was formed when a lump of nickel and iron, roughly 150 feet in diameter and weighing 300,000 tons, struck the earth at about 40,000 miles an hour, scattering white-hot debris for miles in every direction. The hole measures nearly a mile across and is 570 feet deep." From the cabin, a passenger was heard to exclaim, "Wow! It just missed the highway!"

ON MODERNISM How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools. THOUGHTS ON METAPHYSICS Deja Vu: The feeling that somehow, somewhere, you've been kicked in the head like this before. ON DEEP THOUGHTS A day without sunshine is like night. ON PARADOX AND RETURN POLICIES There is a CD out entitled "The Worst of Jefferson Airplane". If you buy this, take it home, play it, and enjoy it, should you take it back and demand a refund? ON HIGHER EDUCATION College is a fountain of knowledge... and the students are there to drink.