Why was the broom tired? It over swept.

Did you hear that Hollywood is going to remake The Exorcist? The new movie is about a mother who hires the Devil to get a priest out of her son.

This blonde was driving down an old country road when she spots another blonde in a wheat field rowing a boat. She pulls over to the side of the road and stops the car. Staring in disbelief she stands at the side of the road to watch the woman for a while. When she could not stand it any more she called out to the blonde in the field. "Why are you rowing a boat in the middle of the field?" The blonde in the field stops rowing and responds, "Because it is an ocean of wheat." The blonde standing on the side of the road is furious. She yells at the blonde in the field. "It is dumb blondes like you that give the rest of us a bad name." The blonde in the field just shrugged her shoulders an

So Many Men, So Few Who Can Afford Me. God Made Us Sisters, Prozac Made Us Friends. My Mother Is A Travel Agent For Guilt Trips. Princess, Having Had Sufficient Experience With Princes, Seeks Frog. Coffee, Chocolate, Men ... Some Things Are Just Better Rich. Don't Treat Me Any Differently Than You Would The Queen Warning: I Have An Attitude And I Know How To Use It. Of Course I Don't Look Busy...I Did It Right The First Time. Do Not Start With Me. You Will Not Win. Sorry If I Looked Interested. I'm Not. If You Want Breakfast In Bed, Sleep In The Kitchen.

Be a good housekeeper. When you leave him ... get a good lawyer ...keep his house

Ole died. So Lena went to the local paper to put a notice in the obituaries. The gentleman at the counter, after offering his condolences, asked Lena what she would like to say about Ole. Lena replied, "You just put 'Ole died.' " The gentleman, somewhat perplexed, said, "That's it? Just 'Ole died?' Surely, there must be something more you'd like to say about Ole. If it's money you're concerned about, the first five words are free. We must say something more." So Lena pondered for a few minutes! and finally said, "O.K. You put 'Ole died. Boat for sale.' "

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery. A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative. Practice safe eating - always use condiments. A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother. Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death. I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded. If electricity comes from electrons... does that mean that morality comes from morons? Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.

There are only eleven times in history where the "F" word has been considered acceptable for use. They are as follows: 11. "What the fuck do you mean we are sinking?" Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912 10. "What the fuck was that?" Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945 9. "Where did all those fucking Indians come from?" Custer, 1877 8 "Any fucking idiot could understand that." Einstein, 1938 7. "It does so fucking look like her!" Picasso, 1926 6. "How the fuck did you work that out?" Pythagoras, 126 BC 5. "You want WHAT on the fucking ceiling?" Michelangelo, 1566 4. "Where the fuck are we?" Amelia Earhart, 1937 3. "Scattered fucking showers, my ass!" Noah, 4314 BC 2. "Aw c'mon. Wh

What do you call it when you hear Vrrrrm.ERT.Vrmmm.Ert? Answer: A Blond at A Blinking Red Light.

A white man, a Cuban, and a Mexican, are all sitting at a bar when the Mexican throws a taco out the window. The white man asks, "Why'd you throw that taco out?" The Mexican replies, "Where I come from we have a lot of those." Next the Cuban throws some weed out the window. The Mexican asks, "Why'd you throw that weed out?" The Cuban replies, "Where I come from we have a lot of that..." Suddenly the white man throws the Mexican out the window. The Cuban, shocked, asks, "Why'd you throw him out the window?!" The white man answers, "Well..where I come from we have A LOT of those."

There are four elephants in a Volkswagon. How do you know when one went into your refrigerator? Answer: There is a set of footprints in the butter! How do you know when there were two elephants in the fridge? Answer: There are two sets of footprints in the butter! How do you know when there were three elephants in your fridge? Answer: you have three sets of footprints in the butter! How do you know when four elephants were in your fridge? Answer: You have an empty Volkswagon!