No one is listening to you until you make a mistake.

Mrs. Flebs, a teacher, was standing in front of her class. It was the beginning of the new school year. Mrs. Flebs said, "Okay class, we're going to go around the room and have everybody say a sentence. We'll start with Sarah." Sarah said, "Cows have spots." Terrence said, ''Baseball is a sport." Carla said, "Computers are electronic." Bobby said, "Urinate." Mrs. Flebs said, "Bobby, urinate is a word, not a sentence." Bobby said, "Not urinate, it's you're an eight. And if you had bigger tits you'd be a ten."

Veronica: Nurse, I am losing my hair! Nurse: Okay, what size paper bag do you need?

A son walks into the living room and asks his dad to borrow the car because he has a hot date. The dad says, ''Sure, as soon as you cut your long hair.'' The boy smiles and thinking he has outsmarted his dad replies, ''Dad, Jesus had long hair...'' And the dad replied, ''Yeah, and Jesus walked everywhere he went too, didn''t he?''

Yo' mama so poor, all she got you for Christmas was a video of other kids playin' with their toys!

Yo mama is so stupid that she put lipstick on her forehead to make up her mind.

Once upon a time... There lived a king. The King had a beautiful daughter, the Princess. But the kingdom was a sad place. There was no laughter, and no joy. The problem was, that everything the Princess touched would melt. No matter what, metal, wood... anthing she touched would melt!! Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her. The king despaired. What could he do to help his beautiful daughter? He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king, "If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured." The King was overjoyed. The next day, he held a competition. Any man who could bring his daught

Why do they bury lawyers 10 feet below ground instead of the usual 6? Because deep down, they're not so bad!

"Whew, that's one terrific spread!" "I'm in the mood for a little dark meat." "Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist." "Talk about a huge breast!" "It's Cool Whip time!" "If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!" "Are you ready for seconds yet?" "Are you going to come again next time?" "It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?" "Just wait your turn, you'll get some!" "Don't play with your meat." "Just spread the legs open & stuff it in." "Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?" "I didn't expect everyone to come at once!" "You still have a little bit on your chin." "Use a nice smooth stroke when you whip it." "How long

THE CLINTON Virus...(Gives you a 7-Inch Hard Drive with NO memory.) THE BOB DOLE (AKA: VIAGRA) virus...(Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy) THE LEWINSKY virus...(Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then emails your best friends about what it did). THE RONALD REAGAN virus...(Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored) THE MIKE TYSON virus...(Quits after two bytes) THE OPRAH WINFREY virus... (Your 300 mb hard drive shrinks to 100 mb, then slowly expands to restabilize around 200.) THE JACK KEVORKIAN virus...(Deletes all old files) THE PROZAC virus...(Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care) THE JOEY BUTTAFUOCO virus...(Only attacks min

Why was the broom tired? It over swept.

Did you hear that Hollywood is going to remake The Exorcist? The new movie is about a mother who hires the Devil to get a priest out of her son.