Two old people, a man and a woman, walk into a hospital. The doctor says to the old man, "I'll need a urine sample, a feces sample, and a blood sample." The old man says, "What?" So the doctor says it again. Once again the old man says, "what?" So the doctor yells it, "I NEED A URINE SAMPLE, A FECES SAMPLE, AND A BLOOD SAMPLE!" With that the old woman turns to the old man and says, "He needs a pair of your underwear!"

If I wanted to think of a better come back, I'd dig it out of your @$$!

If brains were fuel, you wouldn't have enough to power an ant's motorcycle around the edge of a penny.

I want to kick the guy who invented the snooze button...then five minutes later, I'll kick him again. Thanks Andrew!

20. The hole closed on him before he could penetrate it. 19. He came at his blind side and got him from behind. 18. He's off to the sidelines for a quick blow. 17. It's a game of inches. 16. That hole was so big, you could drive a truck through it. 15. When you get down in this area, you just gotta start pounding. 14. He's gonna feel that one tomorrow. 13. He found his tight end. 12. End around. 11. He had to stretch to get it in. 10. He gets penetration in the backfield. 9. He blows them off (at the line). 8. He bangs it in. 7. He could go all the way. 6. He gets it off just in time. 5. He goes deep. 4. He found a hole and slid through it. 3. He pounds it in. 2. He beats th

When the body was first made all the parts of the body were fighting to see who would become the boss of the body. The fight for power was most intense between the limbs, the brain, and ..... the asshole. The limbs said they should be boss because they control the human, and without them the body was useless and couldnt move or do anything. The brain said it should be boss becauses it has to control the whole body and without the brain nothing in the body would function, neither the limbs or the asshole. The asshole said simply, "I'm the boss." The brain and limbs laughed at him. The asshole was so mad he closed up and the body became constipated. The brain couldnt think straight and be

A lawyer had just rented a cabin up north and was planning to do some hunting. So he goes up and finds that he has a neighbor. The neighbor is from Czechoslovakia. They decide to go hunting together and become good friends. While they camped out during the night 2 bears, a male and a female, attacked them. The lawyer just managed to get away. He stole a glance back and saw his Czechoslovakian friend get eaten whole by the male bear. The lawyer runs to the police and tells them to come and hurry and bring some tranquilizer guns. They run up into the woods where their camp was and they stumble across the 2 bears sleeping. The police say, "Which bear ate your friend?" The lawyer says, "The m

"Doctor, I'd like you to evaluate my 13 year-old son." "OK: He's most likely suffering from a transient psychosis with an intermittent rage disorder, punctuated by episodic radical mood swings, but his prognosis is good for full recovery." "How can you say all that without even meeting him?" "I thought you said he's 13?"

How many paranoids does it take to screw in a lightbulb? What exactly do you mean by that?

2 men were out camping. At about 3:00 one man had to go to the bathroom. There were no toilets around and the men had no toilet paper! The man took a crap in the forest, but then had noting to wipe his butt with. He asked his friend what to do, and his friends said to wipe his butt with a 1 dollar bill. 5 minutes later the man came back with crap all over his hands. The friend asked what happened and the man said, "I didn't have a 1 dollar bill, so I used 4 quarters!"

The first 90% of a project takes 10% of the time, the last 10% takes the other 90% of the time. If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get. Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back. If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights. A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt. Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do. After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did

"My friend," said St. Peter to the recently deceased, "you did lead an exemplary life on earth - but there is one instance of your taking the name of The Lord in vain. Would you care to tell us about it?" "I recall," replied the new applicant, "it was in 1965 on the last hole at Pinehurst. I only needed a par four to break 70 for the first time in my life." "Was your drive good?" asked St. Peter, with increasing interest. "Right down the middle. But when I got to my ball, it was plugged deep in a wet rut made by a drunk's golf cart." "Oh dear," said St. Peter, "A real sucker! Is that when you..." "No. I'm pretty good with a 3-iron. I played the ball close to my feet, caught the swe