One day a cat comes walking by meowing, "I can't do anything right." So he keeps on pouting and somebody comes up to him and says, "Why are you crying?" "Because I can't do anything right." So the guy helps the cat and a day later the cat could do anything right so he goes to the litter box and misses the box by an inch.

10. She wants her own intern. 9. She wants to complete her china and silver collection. 8. Brother-in-law Roger needs another pardon. 7. She wants to lease the Lincoln Bedroom to Marc Rich. 6. She wants to rename Camp David to Camp Denise. 5. She wants to pick up the rest of the furniture. 4. She wants to return to public housing. 3. She wants the top floor of the Trump Tower when she leaves. 2. She misses her hairdresser. 1. Bill needs a pardon.

I went to the store the other day and I was in there for only about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said "Come on, buddy, how about giving me a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires! So I called him a piece of horse shit. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket! This went on for about 20 minutes; the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner. I try to have a little fun each

Life is full of uncertainties...or could I be wrong about that?

A brunette said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid."

The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life where you get to experience all three at the same time. (Author unknown, but someone who's been there)

Always be well informed A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road. He stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said,"Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. Changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" Once again the priest apologized. "Sorry sister, but the flesh is weak." Arrivi

The slick defense lawyer was drilling the star witness, in an attempt to ruffle the mans feathers, and secure his own case. He began egging him on. "You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background" the lawyer sneered. The witness replied, "If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment."

Additional quotes made by physicians in actual medical records: 1. Discharge status: alive but without permission. 2. The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983. 3. The patient refused an autopsy. 4. The patient has no past history of suicides. 5. Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital. 6. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant. 7. Since she can not get pregnant with her husband, I thought you would like to work her up. 8. She is numb from her toes down. 9. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches. 10. Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized. 11. Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid. 12. The patient

A little girl learned in school, that instead of words, pictures and symbols would be drawn to indicate something if words weren't understood. Later that day, she needed to go into the bathroom, looked at two pictures, and went in one. A teacher asked her, "Why did you go into the boys' bathroom?" She answered, "The picture showed a person wearing pants, and I'm wearing pants. The other picture showed someone wearing a dress, and I'm not."

A South African, an Australian and an Englishman are all drinking in a bar. Suddenly, the South African downs the remainder of his drink, tosses his glass in the air, draws his pistol and shoots the glass. "In South Africa our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same ones twice," he says proudly. The Australian, who is obviously impressed by this, downs his drink, tosses his glass, draws his gun and shoots the glass. "In Australia we've got so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink from the same ones twice," he says. The Englishman pauses to give this some thought, then downs his drink, casually tosses his glass into the air, draws his gun, and shoots

There were 3 ants in a house. They all had to decide where they wanted to sleep. One ant decides to sleep in the cabinet, one in the cookie jar, and one in the toilet. The next morning they all woke up and meet on the stove top to ask each other how their sleep was. The one who slept in the cabinet said his was hot. The one who slept in the cookie jar said his was sweet! The one that slept in the toilet said that " First it got dark, then it rained, a big gust of wind came, and if it wasn't for that big log.....I would have drowned!!!"