Q: Why isn't there a pro football team in Flint, Michigan? A: Because then Detroit would want one too!

You might be a redneck if you've never stayed in a hotel without stealing something

You may be a redneck if your burglar alarm is a vacuum cleaner plugged into a motion detector.

You might be a redneck if you've ever watched a tornado from a lawn chair.

Today, if you meet someone from France, they will say, "Bonjour, Je suis de la France." This is what they would say if America knew France wasn't going to pay us back for helping them. "Hallo, bin ich von Frankreich."

One day a blonde went into a restaurant and decided she was going to order the free birthday dessert, even though it wasn't her birthday. A month later on her real birthday she went back to the restaurant with her family, and they had the same waiter. She ordered the dessert again and the waiter recognized her. This was her excuse: "Oh that wasn't me that was my twin sister." Let's just say she wasn't going back anytime soon.

When all the national leaders met with Bush... Germans make your candy, said Germany's leader, We abuse it, said Bush. Holland makes your remotes, said Holland's leader We'd die without those, said Bush. Italy and Mexico bring in great food, said Mexico & Italy, We stuff ourselves with it, said Bush. Japan makes your video games, said Japan's leader; Our kids and dads love it, said Bush. China makes all the rest, said China's leader, Bush said, AMEN. WHAT DO YOU MAKE? said all but Bush, Bush took them to a farm, He took them to a sleping bull. The bull had a turd next to it. It said "Made in America", Bush told them America makes bull****

Two friends, who haven't met for a couple of years, are catching up with each other's news. One says, "And then the doctor said he'd have me back on my feet in a fortnight!" His pal says, "Well, did he?" "He sure did, I had to sell my car to pay him!"

Yesterday, All those backups seemed a waste of pay. Now my database has gone away. Oh I believe in yesterday. Suddenly, There's not half the files there used to be, And there's a milestone hanging over me The system crashed so suddenly. I pushed something wrong What it was I could not say. Now all my data's gone and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay. Yesterday, The need for back-ups seemed so far away. I knew my data was all here to stay, Now I believe in yesterday.

Years ago when I was working at Customer Service for a gardening company, I came across this tale. It is completely true! A lady came in looking for a soaker hose (a hose that drips water into the soil every few minutes) I helped her find it, but soon, she came back with a complaint. "What's the problem," I asked. "It leaks."

Unpublished Children's Books You Were an Accident Strangers Have the Best Candy The Little Sissy Who Snitched Some Kittens Can Fly Getting More Chocolate on Your Face Where Would You Like to Be Buried? Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her All Dogs Go to Hell The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer They Say God Did It Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog? Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends? Daddy Drinks Because You Cry Mister Policeman Eats His Service Revolver You Are Different and That's Bad Pop Goes The Hamster, And Other Great Microwave Games The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins,

Q. how long does it take for a man to change a lightbulb? A. 5 mins. 20 secs. 1 min to get a lightbulb 1 min to try and change it 1 min to swear because he can't do it 1 min to find a woman 20 secs. for her to change it 1 min for him to cry and gripe about it.