An elderly couple was watching the news when the man farts. The man asks "Was that me, or you?"

What's the integral of 1/cabin? A natural log cabin. No, a houseboat – you forgot to add the c!

Why should not a chicken cross the road? It would be a fowl proceeding.

Rabinovich notes: "I would prefer it the other way round."

At the 1980 Olympics, Brezhnev begins his speech. "O!" - applause. "O!" - more applause. "O!" - yet more applause. "O!" - an ovation. "O!!!" - the whole audience stands up and applauds. An aide comes running to the podium and whispers, "Leonid Ilyich, that's the Olympic rings, you don't need to read it!"

Knock-Knock...Who's there?....The Gestapo...The Gestapo, who?.....VEE VILL BE ASKING ZE QUESTIONS HERE!!

‪16.‬A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, another customer walked in and went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey. He fit a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, ''That'll be $5000.'' The customer paid and walked out with his monkey. Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, ''That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did it cost so much?'' The shopkeeper answered, ''Ah, that monkey can program in C - very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money.'' The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. ''That one's even more expe

Yo Momma's so poor, I blew my nose, and she said, "Lord thank us, we have food!"

An actual headline: Deer Kill 17,000

Don't steal. The government hates competition.

I don't exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

Lawyers creed: A man is innocent until proven broke.